COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

Harvest Time.
Autumn.
Thanksgiving.
Family.
Country.

These all seem ingrained and entwined in my psyche.
I was born in the fall.
Canadian Thanksgiving is mid October and in the United States it finishes November nicely after both countries honor veterans.

Falling leaves and crisp air carry color and scent past routines
and daily activities to the very chambers of my heart and mind.

Something primal struggles to surface.
I apply many labels but never feel quite satisfied with a resultant full emptiness that wallows in steady exuberant feelings (that I still as they seem too private to shout or flaunt) until snow finally freezes winter into place and melts that confused state of being into the joyous Christmas season.

A loved hymn encourages me to voice some of those labels, thoughts and feelings - sometimes only to myself.

I start listing labels in my prayers, and they seem to pop out of my mouth each time I open it enough  to breathe.

1 x 1 x one x one x 1 x 1 x one x one x 1 x 1 x one x one x -

you get it ....

TRY IT!

Suddenly it is impossible to be discouraged or 'lost' and burdens become bearable.

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

4. So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 241

Text: Johnson Oatman, Jr., 1856–1922  Music: Edwin O. Excell, 1851–19

NEVER BY MYSELF

I took a shower yesterday. It was the first time this month!

EEEEYYYWWHHHUU!!! I think so too!

I took a shower yesterday, all by myself – ha – David, I think I have made it to age 2.  I am reclaiming responsibility for my body. And BTW I could hear you standing right outside the bathroom door – thank you – I don’t blame you one bit.  It must have been quite a shock at your age to become caregiver to a helpless infant.

Kind nurses and loving family have cleaned and bathed and showered me since 1 July when I arrived at the University of Washington Hospital for surgery.  I arrived knowing I was making choices that were best for my overall long term health and well being.  After seeking and considering much information, many opinions and consulting with many professionals, my family, AND asking God for guidance, that large ‘Atypical Lipoma’ was removed.

And that was all it was – an Atypical Lipoma – a very large painful lipoma but indeed, as expected, the pathology reports came back squeaky clean – no malignant tissue of any kind – and yes, the surgeon was able to remove all of it without damage to, or significant issues for,  other nearby bone and tissues. True, that did require a more extensive incision than expected (approximately 15 inches, instead of 4 or 5, along the inner thigh and crease of the leg  - and in a boomerang shape – 40 stitches in all) but there was unexpected involvement with that other tissue.  I told the surgeon to do whatever necessary to get it DONE.
He did. 

My mind and body, although well prepared and healthy otherwise took an unexpected hit 3 days in a hospital did not repair.  I could talk the talk and even walk for the occupational therapist (who said my occupation is self care) but that was it – going through habituated and expected or required motions.

I, the essence of the being I am, awoke from surgery wondering why I had let anyone do such things to my body.  Anger, frustration, and even hopeless fear swept apart the carefully constructed house of cards premeditated choices had built as involuntary physical mechanics ruled every moment for days.

It was not fun.  I think the anger of helplessness was the worst. It gave increasing fodder to the frustration and especially the doubt, as it fueled fear to implosions of paralyzing despair.

 A separation seemed to force its way between the ownership I (that part of me that is my mind and my spirit) have of my body (and its actions) and surrender its care and well being. Title to the property and all responsibility for anything to do with it was abandoned.

At my lowest moment, as dawn broke the second day revealing steady rain outside the large windows of the spacious private suite seeming to encompass my entire existence,
David said, “LOOK, a rainbow”. 

Outside my window, exactly where I could glance and immediately see it, brilliant colors shimmered through sparkling raindrops in vibrant contrast to leaden gray.  I briefly wondered where the light was from as no apparent sun broke apart masses of clouds there and rain still flicked droplets against the exterior glass – briefly because those involuntary body mechanics still governed every instant for me and my caregivers. The rainbow itself appeared to BE the light. 

The only picture of that very personal and fleeting rainbow is etched not only onto my mind but also into me, the essence of what I am.  I suppose it may also be imprinted thus for David.  I hope it preeminently upstages other unpleasant images.

I began to improve from that moment.  I didn’t even know it yet, but hindsight reveals that moment as the dawning of renewed hope sufficient to begin a process to eventually cast out doubt AND fear.

A similar picture taken a few years ago
- except I was standing in the sunshine when I clicked that shutter

I will keep working on my anger. It is a terrible and confusing companion.  I suppose it too must be cast out. So why do I coddle and cuddle it like a favorite sin? Or is it even anger? Drugs  - even long after they stop being injected or ingested – can change the way our physical mind processes thought.  Regaining the ability to coordinate the physical mind with the nebulous existential being that I am is as difficult as regaining control over other involuntary physical functions.

Meanwhile I will just accept the rainbow – a token and symbol from God to man – to ME - of promise, encouragement and hope.  A token that I am never alone - none of us are - ever. God, our loving father, is always near, ready and willing for us to take his hand and accept his reassurance and loving help. We only have to desire his love and help; accept it - instead of stubbornly refuse. 

Too often I do that - refuse to accept blessings and let hurt and pride close off promptings or possibilities. It can be so difficult to see beyond my physical experiences and senses. I appreciated Nancy's comment about seeing beyond this existence. 

And I also plan to stay mad enough at everyone and everything to take a shower, among other things – all by myself! At least for now - until I figure out how to do it in a better way. 

REASSURED !

Sometimes life is scary.

When least expected pain, disease - trauma or drama - or other less significant disturbances to routine rituals (with and without warning) mushroom clouds over all rainbows and blot light to choking darkness.

I have such times. 

I have heard those feelings described as being on the bottom of the pond. I joke that I feel like I am under the scum on the bottom of the pond – sometimes it helps to smile, laugh a little and by acting the part become it.

Sometimes the fear is palpable, literal reality.

THEN, often, I will find a hymn sliding softly into thought and seeping words of comfort and wisdom through consciousness.

Music such as Hymn # 85 How Firm A Foundation.

Tonight verse 3 began and the song continued and inserted a cracked slivered ray into inky despair. 

  3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

      For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
      I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, …
      Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

  4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
      The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
      For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, …
      And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

I found a hymn book and slowly, read hymn 85 – all of it. Then I had my husband read verse 4 through 7 to me – slowly. I knew God was speaking to me personally – specifically.

Praise to the Great King of Heaven, to God - the loving Father of each one of us.

Truly He knows each of us and notices our every thought. I am left wondering if I bother to even acknowledge His existence sometimes. He loves each of us just as we are with all our fear and faithless foibles. 

I am loved,and watched over even when I neglect to recognize it .

You are loved. ALWAYS!!!!!!!

31243, Hymns, How Firm a Foundation, no. 85

  1. How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord,
      Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!
      What more can he say than to you he hath said,
      Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior,
      Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?

  2. In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health,

      In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth,
      At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—
      As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,
      As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

 3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
      For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
      I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
      Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
      Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

 4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
      The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
      For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
      And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
      And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

 5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
      My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
      The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
      Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
      Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

 6. E’en down to old age, all my people shall prove
      My sov’reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
      And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
      Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still,
      Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.

 7. The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
      I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
     That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
     I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,
     I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

        Text: Attr. to Robert Keen, ca. 1787.

         Included in the first LDS hymnbook, 1835.
        Music: Attr. to J. Ellis, ca. 1889
        Isaiah 41:10; Isaiah 43:2–5 Helaman 5:12