NURTURING NICETIES: MARRIAGE MATTERS

Is my spouse a jerk? Or are we friends?  Nurturing relationships begins with crucial understanding of basic truths.

He Is Risen; by Del Parson

First, and more important than character assassinations or evaluations, is surety that God is real, and that Jesus Christ, as His only begotten son, atoned for sin and error.

Dr H Wallace.Goddard; 
popular author, researcher, and Professor of Family Life for the University.of Arkansas, coaches companions in marriage to invite “partners to gaze with [each other] on truths.of eternity” where they “are more likely to find common ground,” and “open the door to love.”

This requires faith to “trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as he is working to rescue us.”  (2007, pp.54-55).

Goddard tutors that when stress persuades us marriage was a blunder, to remember that most likely “God guided us to be together” and can use “our marital choices” to “bless and balance us” (2007, p.57).

Through faith, and fundamental gospel truths, all things are possible (see Mathew 19:26).

Basic truths are succinctly outlined in

                         The Family: 
           A Proclamation to the World:

Hands image from lds.org

Remembering that my husband has divine potential reminds me to look for traits and characteristics of his “eternal identity and purpose.” I also am a daughter of God, and therefore have “divine nature and destiny.”

HELP WITH HOW

Consciously choosing this point of view, regarding myself as a daughter of God and my spouse as God’s son, changes irritations to opportunities. They are an “invitation to better thinking and acting” (Goddard, 2007, p. 57).

I wonder how I can foster his divine character. How would a daughter of God respond to general crankiness or irritability, to doubt or pride, and other potential mortal imperfections? Without essential principles of Christian living firmly entrenched in our hearts our marriage would have failed many times.

Anciently, when church members at Corinth were arguing with each other, and battling in court, the Apostle Paul explained “a more excellent way”—Charity.

Paul Writing His Epistles; Attributed to Valentin de Boulogne  (1591–1632)

Paul’s warning reverberates through time into modern relationships.

Even if I “understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor … it profiteth me nothing.”

BE KIND

Paul describes some of the attributes of this more excellent way: “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth[i] not itself, is not puffed up … seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil …  rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1Cor.13:2-13).

I don’t need to move any mountains, but I’d really like some kindness, patience, strength, hope and endurance.

Elder Joseph B. Writhlin, a Latter-day apostle (1986-2008) instructed that “the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring” extended to others in our lives. "Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it” (2007).

Kindness is the essence of greatness and the fundamental characteristic of the noblest men and women ….

Kindness is a passport that opens doors and fashions friends. It softens hearts and molds relationships that can last lifetimes.

Kind words not only lift our spirits in the moment they are given, but they can linger with us over the years. … The things you say, the tone of your voice, the anger or calm of your words—these things are noticed ….

Nothing exposes our true selves more than how we treat one another in the home. Kindness should permeate all of our words and actions at work, at school, at church, and especially in our homes (Wirthlin, April 2005).

PRAY … TO SEE GOOD

“Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion,” instructs President Henry B. Eyring, First Counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

“Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion” (2009).

CHANGE IS POSSIBLE

If warring nations can begin to make peace, surely it is possible in marriages and homes. 

In her May 2011 visit to Dublin, Ireland, Queen Elizabeth of Great Britain, demonstrated a powerful example of the principles of charity, change (repentance), apology, forgiveness, and sacrifice.

“We can all see things which we would wish had been done differently or not at all ... [With] forbearance and conciliation [we need to be] able to bow to the past, but not be bound by it." 

And with the majesty of her many titles, the longest reigning monarch in the world extended apologies and condolences to Ireland for her nation’s past atrocities.

Goddard claims “Marriage is God's graduate school for advanced training in Christian character" (2007, p.8).

“In real life, love is much more than a feeling, it is a long series of decisions to be together, and give to one another, a commitment to work together to build a shared life, a day to day involvement that changes who we are as people” (Goddard, 2008).

CLINICAL MATERIAL

Commenting about stress felt as we marry, raise families, and mingle together; Neil A Maxwell, an apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1981-2004), taught that in all our interpersonal relationships the people we interact with “constitute the sample of humanity” God given as “clinical material, and we make a mistake when we disregard that sober fact”(6 February 2000, February Ensign, 2001). 

Explaining further Maxwell quoted President Brigham Young as teaching, “There are … no two persons tempered alike; … we are tried with each other, and large drafts are made upon our patience, forbearance, charity, and good will, in short, upon all the higher and Godlike qualities of our nature” (in Deseret News, 6 July 1862, 9). 

“Our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others” taught a modern apostle, Elder David A. Bednar. “A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended” (2006).

Maxwell (2001) instructed, “The eloquence of Jesus’ example of long-suffering and patience with each of us is surely something we must emulate—more than we usually do—in our relationships with each other!” He continued:

You are going to have days when people make a large draft on your patience, when they lay claim to your long-suffering that you may feel they don’t quite deserve. This is part of the chemistry that goes on in discipleship if we are serious about it …

It is within these circles of influence that you can strive to carry out all the dimensions of the second great commandment [to love others (Matt 22:36-40)] including giving praise, commendation, and occasional correction. It is good for us to develop further our relevant skills. Paul prescribed, however, ‘speaking the truth in love’ (Eph. 4:15).

We usually know if someone speaks “in love,” Elder Maxwell maintains, and we are more able to accept difficult course corrections and reproof when they are given lovingly. With love “there is a much greater chance that what we say will find its mark in the hearts and the minds of other people” (6 February 2000, February Ensign, 2001).

GIVE PRAISE

In the Book of Mormon Pahron, though censored by an angry Moroni, chooses not to take offense but looks at Moroni’s good intentions and commends him for his uprightness. (Alma 61:2, 9). 

Maxwell reminds us, “We too can give others ‘the garment of praise’ (Isa. 61:3). There are so many people with no such clothing in their wardrobes—or only a T-shirt. They shiver for want of a little praise. Meanwhile, each of us has far more opportunities for bestowing deserved praise than we ever use!”(2001).

PASS IT ON

How am I able to give admiration, approval, honor, and appreciation? 

Elder Maxwell advises that it is imperative to be able to “give and receive” corrective council as well as commendation. Paul counsels “not to reprove others too much, causing them to ‘be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow’ (2 Cor. 2:7), and President Brigham Young, directed that “we should never reprove beyond the capacity of our healing balm to reach out to the person reproved” (see Deseret News, 6 Mar. 1861, 1).

Brigham Young Portrait, by Kenneth Corbett

Again quoting Brigham Young, Maxwell teaches, “The principle of love within us is an attribute of the Deity, and it is placed within us to be dispensed independently according to our own will” (in Deseret News, 4 Apr. 1860, 34). We decide how we express love.” Interest in others is in our “own interest” to become more like our Heavenly Father (in Deseret News, 18 June 1856, 116). In all relationships “ …the mentoring, the tutoring, the commending, and occasionally the correcting” provides “ample clinical opportunities to develop our capacity to love.” Maxwell cautions us to beware least these ‘opportunities’ “pass us by unnoticed 

(see Morm. 8:39).

REFERENCES

And Nothing Shall Offend Them, David A Bednar (October 2006), Retrieved May 31, 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/and-nothing-shall-offend-them?lang=eng

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Goddard, H. W. (2008). Healthy Marriages: Facts and Fiction Part 2 retrieved May 31, 2017 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-k6aY_1zDs quoting Dr. Blaine Fowers, University of Texas Professor of Counseling Psychology, Education, and Research

Jesus the Perfect Mentor, Neil A. Maxwell, (February 2001). Retrieved June 1, 2017 fromhttps://www.lds.org/ensign/2001/02/jesus-the-perfect-mentor?lang=eng

Our Perfect Example, Henry B. Eyring, October 2009, Ensign November 2009, Retrieved June 1, 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/our-perfect-example?lang=eng

“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; or Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102. https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=true

The Greatest Commandment, Joseph B. Wirthlin, October 2007, Ensign November 2007 Retrieved June 1, 2017, from 

 https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/the-great-commandment.p1?lang=eng

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[i] boasting or bragging excessively (Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved June 1, 2017 from Dictionary.com website http://www.dictionary.com/browse/vaunt).

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

Harvest Time.
Autumn.
Thanksgiving.
Family.
Country.

These all seem ingrained and entwined in my psyche.
I was born in the fall.
Canadian Thanksgiving is mid October and in the United States it finishes November nicely after both countries honor veterans.

Falling leaves and crisp air carry color and scent past routines
and daily activities to the very chambers of my heart and mind.

Something primal struggles to surface.
I apply many labels but never feel quite satisfied with a resultant full emptiness that wallows in steady exuberant feelings (that I still as they seem too private to shout or flaunt) until snow finally freezes winter into place and melts that confused state of being into the joyous Christmas season.

A loved hymn encourages me to voice some of those labels, thoughts and feelings - sometimes only to myself.

I start listing labels in my prayers, and they seem to pop out of my mouth each time I open it enough  to breathe.

1 x 1 x one x one x 1 x 1 x one x one x 1 x 1 x one x one x -

you get it ....

TRY IT!

Suddenly it is impossible to be discouraged or 'lost' and burdens become bearable.

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

[Chorus]
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

4. So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 241

Text: Johnson Oatman, Jr., 1856–1922  Music: Edwin O. Excell, 1851–19

MOTHER'S "DAY"

Once There Was a Baby

How did your mother spend her day?

Did she have a job or do volunteer work outside the home?

Journal answer 4 March 2001

I really don’t know how mom spent her day but I can surmise from things I do know. 

On the right is a picture of her mother holding her as a young child.

Our family always had everything we really needed. I attribute that to her frugality and diligent hard work and innovative efforts.

Mom with unknown child 

I remember arriving home after school on very few occasions that she was not there. She might go to Lethbridge, one hour away by car, [usually caught a ride with a neighbor, Betty Stewart, Orva Smith, Necia Bennett, or maybe Delaine Lowry] to do shopping or just for the trip out of town.

Finding her not at home was as rare as finding there wasn’t any bread in the large bread drawer (that accommodated 10 loaves with room to spare). The bread in the drawer was always a Piranha feeding frenzy after school. We often saw bread in process as we came in from school and if it were just out of the oven –  too soft and hot to cut – we would just tear a loaf into pieces to eat with dripping butter (actually margarine) and/or honey or jam. Mother baked 10 loaves of bread 3 or 4 times a week. (One of the few treats we had on a regular basis were the cinnamon rolls she made from any dough left over from making the loaves of bread.)

Most often she was about some task: laundry, sewing, gardening, or other home-animal-and-farm care. She spent a lot of time taking care of the outdoors and indoors while dad was gone: wood and coal for the furnace, feeding animals, milking cows and separating off the cream, hauling water to drink and bathe before we had running water, and any other yard or garden chores that needed attention. Our garden was about ½ acre – I realize now that our diet consisted mostly of the vegetables raised in that plot and meat from the farm and hunting.

All else aside there were 10 of us kids and she spent much time keeping us all spotlessly clean and bathed, neatly dressed, and fed - I never remember ever being hungry; there were few treats but never were we hungry. In the mid 60’s mom and dad invited a student from the Indian Placement Program to live in our home for more than 10+ years. I heard her tell dad, “What difference does one more make?” 

One more meant one more around the 8'x 4' table adding up to 13, one more sandwich each morning on the lunch assembly line, AND one more helper: mom kept us as busy, and happily involved in all aspects of working and playing, as children can be.

I was so oblivious that I probably wouldn’t know she worked so hard if we hadn’t missed all she did when she was not home. Sometimes she would be visiting teaching or taking care of someone that needed help. Some days we knew to get off the bus where she was at – other days she would just wave the bus to a stop as it passed a house along the bus route where she happened to be and give some instructions to us and/or take the younger children with her.

In addition to all other things she served in many church organizations and callings. 

One of the adventures that was looked forward to each year was berry picking.  Everybody big and little, old and young went berry picking. We were always allowed to eat as many berries as we wished as long as we had a bucket and picked into it to contribute to the gallons of berries to be preserved for the winter months – except that they seemed to disappear VERY early in the winter - we loved to eat berries.  

Mother also took care of aging relatives. Some of my funnier memories are of grandparents living with us as their bodies and minds became feeble.  She was always so kind; to them and to us. We seldom went to a doctor - Mother took care of us – especially when one or more of us were ill.  It was amazing how she could discern the difference between fake and real illness.

My mother will celebrate her 80^th birthday Thursday.  

I honor the noble, hard working, gentle, upright example you provided to me every day of my life, mom. I pay tribute to your 80 years - 80 years of struggles and striving, 80 years of infinite faith, 80 years of living and loving.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Mom.

August 2010 birthday trip

PEACHES

Fresh from the tree awaiting toast with cream cheese for breakfast

I love peaches!

Peaches grow almost effortlessly and a tree starts producing quickly.  (Not to mention they attract birds - and other things - all of which I am not sure if I love or not.)

a variety of fruit wood prunings 

In the dead of winter if you prune fruit trees and put the cuttings in water the cuttings will bloom.

 I swear it is true.

I make a bouquet of sticks every winter.

 I call it my
 'miracle of the sticks'.






(I look at them and feel a bit foolish - I am not sure why ... )

They always bloom - but what if ...

Try it - it is amazing to see the buds pop out of those dry sticks.

Naking Cherry branches - always prolific and usually first open

It will take more or less time depending on when they are cut and what kind of fruit the cutting is pruned from.

If they are pruned nearer to spring they bloom sooner than if they are pruned earlier - peaches open readily.

 Really - just put them in water, like a bouquet,  and wait.

Peach buds are gloriously bright pink and as leaves creep almost unnoticed into the cool of spring ...

the buds open slowly at first, held back by the cold

but then the tree is suddenly in full flower with buds and blooms everywhere - until many of them  succumb to frost biting just before dawn in many late springs.

Peaches start out as funny elongated furry silver balls that get bigger

and bigger

and bigger

and as they get fuller and rounder

they stay very green all summer

even when they start to show some red under the fuzz.

Nevertheless the narrow leaves and plump fruit are pleasing to just look at - and anticipate.

 There is no hurrying peaches.

Whenever I remember how wonderful they are to eat I weed and water and dig about the tree and surrounding garden.

And as I walk past I pat the tree on the trunk or a branch or pet a nearby cheek of fuzz (carefully, lest an earwig is lurking along a crevice or in a leaf - yikes!!).

I admit I look to see if the peaches are coloring and I feel the heaviness that draws the branches into my reach.


I know to look for a ripe one when the morning bird choir and twittering swooping and hopping among the leaves becomes almost constant.

It is then a contest.  Who will win the battle of the peaches?

This year it was pretty much a dead heat - but they were cheating  - they started eating green, hard fruit -
and complaining did not stop them;
neither did shouting at them or waving my arms.

I suppose I am still greedy - at least about peaches. I even told Cynthia that the naughty birds were eating her peaches and encouraged her to run and shout, "MINE," at them.

I suppose I am still learning to share.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 12 MAY 2010

I got a bike for Christmas.  Papa gave me a miniature bicycle with working wheels, stunt pegs, pedals, and brakes.  Pretty cool little bike - the seat even is on a tension spring.  All the kids that come want to take it home.  I left it on the tree until we cleaned up Christmas.

Now it lives on the bookshelf at child's eyeball (and finger tip) height. I didn't know it could be taken apart like a real bike and that there are interchangeable parts (to buy of course). The kids tell me this as they hold up their hands full of pieces and tell me there is one (tiny) piece they can't seem to find!
But we do seem to always find it.

I never really believed I could ride a bike again -
walk, yes - run - maybe...
but ride a bike????

I have been working on increased mobility for about 2 or 3 years.
Papa keeps egging me on.

I pedal my small exercise bike.  The kids all love it too.  When Avy and Raanin are here for Christmas 08 it really gets a work out.

The grandkids can't seem to leave it in one piece either. There is a tension screw on top to adjust how hard it pedals. Funny thing - those pedals seem to always be put away when some kids visit lately.  Mom taught me that "what the eye can't see the heart can't grieve.' And they can't punch each other or cry about turns neither.

The left leg/ankle will do what ever the right leg makes the pedals do.

Last week Papa announced that he has the bikes ready.  Monday we bought 2 bike helmets at a local department store. That was Family Home Evening this week.

Wednesday was the big day.
I DID IT!
I rode a bike.

I got on it!
I almost fell down!
Papa lowered the seat.  Now I could touch the ground with my longest leg. (He showed me how to simply mount it by stepping on one pedal and swinging your other leg over as you get going - YEAH - RIIGGHHHTT!!!)

I rode it wobbling crookedly into the sprinkler and got soaking wet - but I did not crash!

I suggested Papa lower and level the front of the seat. Now I could get on AND off more readily and (if I tip the bike slightly) get either foot on the ground.

I rode it down the block and back to the driveway. (Yes I looked like a drunk driver - I assume with practice that will improve.)

I rode it all the way around the block with Papa, on his bike.

Then he put them away in the garage.  An hour later (as it gets dark) I realize a pivotal moment, in my life, has occurred.

He did not realize it would be so difficult (or time consuming) for me to get myself by the scruff of the neck and make myself get on that bike. I honestly wasn't sure I could.  What if ... ????

We decide to take pictures. They are not wonderful but they are taken on that same day! (His back hurts if he leans over too much or too long so, a while ago, he fixed his bike so that it has high, upright handle bars.)

 He has a lot of fun on the bikes.  And I do love my helmet - color that is - it is one of my favorite colors!  He says it matches my eyes.