BOTTLED

  • "Beauty is the secret sound of the deepest thereness of things." John O'Donohue

Friday, September 3, 2010

Missing Daddy

Cynthia, age 2 1/2, really really missed her daddy while he was gone far away for a couple of months.  She talked with him on the phone - face to face of course - every day at bed time. Even so she did not really understand what was happening or why.

(And one of our more amusing activities is now seeing her peer into non video phone displays trying to see the person talking with us or her - if daddy can be seen why not everyone?)

Today when Papa-pa prepared to leave for work she ran to the door ahead of him, said, "NO", very emphatically and then, "lock".  She then stretched up and locked the deadbolt to try to keep him in the house. (FYI - He made it to work on time).

Do you think that would work for me on the days I wish he could stay home?

Daddy had to go run some errands and Cynthia had to stay at home.  The ensuing tantrum was not pretty!

Funny - yes!  Really nasty - yes - mostly because she could stop the screaming shrieks instantaneously when she randomly felt like it.  At first I was almost feeling sorry for the poor child as she banged at the window and fell down in the throes of sorrow onto the bed.  Then, like pushing pause on the CD player, she stopped and when the item of interest passed, again started - at the same volume and intensity as if no interruption had occurred.

Thanks for the perspective Cyndi!  and yes I admit to laughing out loud when you did that.

I wonder what my Father in Heaven thinks when I throw myself down on the bed, and allow myself to wallow in self pity!

I am sure he wishes to comfort me at least as much as I wanted to comfort her.  She refused to let anyone, even her mother, touch her.  Even though Daddy and Mommy both said over and over that he was coming back she just didn't understand.

There is so much I don't understand! Can I just trust that it will be alright eventually? Not that I don't ... I just - what? just want my own way?

Perhaps she thought if she screamed loudly enough for long enough he would hear and return or we might take her to him - she usually gets what she reasonably can have just by asking for it - and most of the time she does not throw tantrums.

As I think about this I know that I usually get most of what I want too - at times even BEFORE I ask for it! I think I also get what I really need too.

When she finally wore down her fits to a few sporadic whimpers and began wandering around the house, she discovered her daddy's shoes by the front door.
"DADDY'S", she asserted.


"Yes, daddy's shoes," I reassured her, "he is coming back today,"I said again. "Daddy is coming home later".

Soon all was quiet - too quiet - the nerve racking dangerous quiet a 2 year old should not engage in.  The kind of quiet that parents and grandparents know to investigate - quickly!


I found Cynthia under the piano bench, near the front door, using one shoe as a pillow and the other tucked securely under her arm.


Poor little girl.  Now she alternates between hugging the shoes,


 wearing them,


 carrying them around with her and throwing them at things.


Temper - TEMPER!

 In-between-times we play as usual but then she remembers how hard done by she feels and seems to think having fun is not OK somehow.

And yes I AM still wondering just how old I am.

How like her I am at times!

I know Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers - even when I don't say them sometimes.  He knows my needs and tries to help me.  So why am I trading happiness and joy for shoes and a binky in a dark corner like under the piano bench?

Does that really get me any closer to Daddy?

That is what we all long for - we want so much to be with him;
even when we don't understand,
even when we lose hope of seeing him again,
even when we are naughty,
even when we don't remember him anymore.

He remembers us. He loves us.  He wants to help us and comfort us. He has even provided us with instructions and everything we truly need to find joy IF we obey. He has a plan. Most of us are surrounded by family and friends just waiting to be with us and help us and love us -IF we will let them.

Perhaps he misses me too.