A STRANGE COMPANION

I love waffles. I made some for breakfast today!
I love blueberries, too!

When I bake them I use the timer on my microwave to let me know the perfect time for a perfect waffle. EASY - except -

I have this strange companion, named Habit, that keeps getting in my way.  When the microwave beeps, and I have wandered away and gone on auto-pilot, I tend to open the empty beeping microwave - and look inside BEFORE remembering my waffle.

 (I know myself well enough to plan for the contingency of an irritating continuing beep to ensure my kitchen has no smoke damage and that I eventually get breakfast).

How many things do you do on auto-pilot? I have tried to open my front door by clicking the remote for my car - weird, I know!
Make your own list.  You know you have one - or more.

A few years ago our kitchen floor was replaced.  As is often the case, there was a 'hitch-in-the-get-along' and instead of taking a couple days my frig stayed in the garage for 2 weeks or more.  When it returned to its rightful domain my sons would come home and go straight to the frig - still in the garage, right? NOT!

One day one of them stuck their head into the kitchen and asked me, "Mom, do you have any idea what I came out to the garage for?" I laughed and pointed to it.

He had built a strong continuing habit in a only a few days!

Since that time I notice habits more - my own and yours.  Some are funny (taking a bite of something because it is in your hand - or trying to write with it - icky either way).  Some are down right scary - have you ever driven somewhere and realized after you got there that you set out to go somewhere else and that where you arrived is where you usually go on a regular basis? One day I needed to pick up my child and drove halfway to town (in the opposite direction) before I realized I was on auto-pilot.  Scary to think other drivers are paying that same amount of attention or less ...

Prophets tell us regular scripture study and prayer are beneficial habits. My 2 year old grandchild gets 'her' scriptures and demands our nightly routine if we miss it. She opens an inexpensive copy on her lap, points at pictures, and recites a verse as it is read slowly for her to parrot. She wants to take a turn like everyone else in her world is doing.  This habit will print the rythmns and nuances from God's words onto her very soul.

Now she is learning reverence in prayer as her family bows in a circle together. She is just beginning - she will learn that jumping on or yelling in the face of someone kneeling with closed eyes or hitting them will not help her (or those around her) find real happiness. Kind example with gentle teaching and guidance will change her more quickly than any scolding or punishment ever can. For now I imagine Heavenly Father smiles at her naivety.

I hope he smiles at mine. I pray he will patiently and gently help me learn the things that will help me and others find genuine joy - here and now as well as more enduring and lasting happiness - help me build beneficial habits of obedience and diligence.

All his commandments are intended to lovingly guide me and assist me to that end. Prophets tell us that his work and his glory are to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man - our joy and our happiness.

I learned, as a child, many things that I habitually take for granted.  I know the reality of a supreme being - a loving, kind, generous, devoted Father in Heaven. I know I can talk to him and with him. The habits of my parents and grandparents, influenced by the habits of generation upon generation of their parents and grandparents, are now passed to a new generation.

Yet each generation must chose for itself its own habits - its own companions.

What companions of habit walk by your side? compassion or addiction? generosity or gluttony/greed? thankfulness or ingratitude?

Each of us have a few strange companions.  I seek good companions - habits that are better practices. We can know and define them easily. Service and kindness were the practice and repeated examples that Jesus Christ lived.  His actions brought light and life to himself and all people at all times.  He lived the perfect example.  As I read about it, learn from it and study that example I find habits that are not such strange companions at all.

NEVER BY MYSELF

I took a shower yesterday. It was the first time this month!

EEEEYYYWWHHHUU!!! I think so too!

I took a shower yesterday, all by myself – ha – David, I think I have made it to age 2.  I am reclaiming responsibility for my body. And BTW I could hear you standing right outside the bathroom door – thank you – I don’t blame you one bit.  It must have been quite a shock at your age to become caregiver to a helpless infant.

Kind nurses and loving family have cleaned and bathed and showered me since 1 July when I arrived at the University of Washington Hospital for surgery.  I arrived knowing I was making choices that were best for my overall long term health and well being.  After seeking and considering much information, many opinions and consulting with many professionals, my family, AND asking God for guidance, that large ‘Atypical Lipoma’ was removed.

And that was all it was – an Atypical Lipoma – a very large painful lipoma but indeed, as expected, the pathology reports came back squeaky clean – no malignant tissue of any kind – and yes, the surgeon was able to remove all of it without damage to, or significant issues for,  other nearby bone and tissues. True, that did require a more extensive incision than expected (approximately 15 inches, instead of 4 or 5, along the inner thigh and crease of the leg  - and in a boomerang shape – 40 stitches in all) but there was unexpected involvement with that other tissue.  I told the surgeon to do whatever necessary to get it DONE.
He did. 

My mind and body, although well prepared and healthy otherwise took an unexpected hit 3 days in a hospital did not repair.  I could talk the talk and even walk for the occupational therapist (who said my occupation is self care) but that was it – going through habituated and expected or required motions.

I, the essence of the being I am, awoke from surgery wondering why I had let anyone do such things to my body.  Anger, frustration, and even hopeless fear swept apart the carefully constructed house of cards premeditated choices had built as involuntary physical mechanics ruled every moment for days.

It was not fun.  I think the anger of helplessness was the worst. It gave increasing fodder to the frustration and especially the doubt, as it fueled fear to implosions of paralyzing despair.

 A separation seemed to force its way between the ownership I (that part of me that is my mind and my spirit) have of my body (and its actions) and surrender its care and well being. Title to the property and all responsibility for anything to do with it was abandoned.

At my lowest moment, as dawn broke the second day revealing steady rain outside the large windows of the spacious private suite seeming to encompass my entire existence,
David said, “LOOK, a rainbow”. 

Outside my window, exactly where I could glance and immediately see it, brilliant colors shimmered through sparkling raindrops in vibrant contrast to leaden gray.  I briefly wondered where the light was from as no apparent sun broke apart masses of clouds there and rain still flicked droplets against the exterior glass – briefly because those involuntary body mechanics still governed every instant for me and my caregivers. The rainbow itself appeared to BE the light. 

The only picture of that very personal and fleeting rainbow is etched not only onto my mind but also into me, the essence of what I am.  I suppose it may also be imprinted thus for David.  I hope it preeminently upstages other unpleasant images.

I began to improve from that moment.  I didn’t even know it yet, but hindsight reveals that moment as the dawning of renewed hope sufficient to begin a process to eventually cast out doubt AND fear.

A similar picture taken a few years ago
- except I was standing in the sunshine when I clicked that shutter

I will keep working on my anger. It is a terrible and confusing companion.  I suppose it too must be cast out. So why do I coddle and cuddle it like a favorite sin? Or is it even anger? Drugs  - even long after they stop being injected or ingested – can change the way our physical mind processes thought.  Regaining the ability to coordinate the physical mind with the nebulous existential being that I am is as difficult as regaining control over other involuntary physical functions.

Meanwhile I will just accept the rainbow – a token and symbol from God to man – to ME - of promise, encouragement and hope.  A token that I am never alone - none of us are - ever. God, our loving father, is always near, ready and willing for us to take his hand and accept his reassurance and loving help. We only have to desire his love and help; accept it - instead of stubbornly refuse. 

Too often I do that - refuse to accept blessings and let hurt and pride close off promptings or possibilities. It can be so difficult to see beyond my physical experiences and senses. I appreciated Nancy's comment about seeing beyond this existence. 

And I also plan to stay mad enough at everyone and everything to take a shower, among other things – all by myself! At least for now - until I figure out how to do it in a better way.