WANTED: REPAIRS

 My new-to-me car was blue, my favorite color. 

In addition to a powerful V8, the Buick Lucerne CXL, 4 door sedan featured all 5 possible luxury packages including a remote start which activated automatic temperature control for the interior and warming (or cooling) for the cream-colored leather seats. Also included were airbag and braking safety features; rain-sense wipers, tachometer and cruise control; heated, auto-dimming mirrors; specialty lighting and sound systems and interior trim, and much more.

Everything I could think to have for economy (25-30 mpg), safety, comfort, and pleasure; and many things I hadn’t even considered (like tire pressure sensors) were mine, all mine! 

And it was a steal! Found almost by chance through a surprising turn of events, I knew it was for me. I knew God (fate, karma, or whatever you may ascribe such blessings to) had provided me with a choice car, in my cash price range (very low), at the very time I needed it most. Kindness and love from family members also assisted possible ownership to become a reality. 

The ride was exhilarating.

There was an accident that dented the front passenger door extensively. Although it could be opened and closed, the window was not functional and the glass was cracked so severely that safety was an issue. 

Should I drive the car with damage?

Mechanically, the car was sound.

Should I ignore the issues?

Of course not!

I loved the car, and immediately had the entire door completely repaired so it, and the window, could be used without hindrance.

Marriage can be compared to my car.

There should be benefits, safety, comfort, pleasure—and joy.

Courtship may be amazing, perhaps even in the way you meet, and soon a date is set, plans with loved ones launched, and the exhilaration of marriage begins.

Eventually a few bumps, and perchance an accident—or two—cause a dent in the relationship or damage to feelings of one or both partners.

Should the issues be ignored?

Of course not!

Although the relationship is still intact,
 repair is needed, something more than polishing or waxing. 

Hurt feelings, and dented egos devalue connections, diminish trust, and contribute to future concerns.

Over time, extensive damage on a car will worsen causing paint to fail, and the canker of rust to begin. And cracked glass eventually breaks. The integrity of the entire vehicle can be jeopardized.

Family, and marriages (and other cherished loved ones) have much deeper inherent value than cars. They also need daily care, frequent maintenance, 

and occasional repairs. 

President Deiter F. Uchtdorf, second counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints advises, “Set aside pride.

“Sincerely apologizing to your children, your [spouse], your family, or your friends is not a sign of weakness but of strength. …Even when you are not at fault—perhaps especially when you are not at fault—let love conquer pride” (April 2016, In Praise of Those Who Save).

In 2012 President Uchtdorf instructed, “When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: Stop it!

“It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love …” (Uchtdorf, Deiter F., The Merciful Obtain Mercy, April 2012).

New York Times bestselling authors of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman and Nan Silver,  claim successful marriage repair attempts are one of the “primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish” (p. 27) and one of the most “important findings” from the 
“Love Lab,” in Seattle. 

After decades of research involving thousands of couples, they claim to be able to predict marital breakdown to divorce with an astonishing 91% average accuracy rate (p.2; see also Mathematics of Marriage: Predicting Divorce). 

Repair attempts among couples vary and have no particular format, but “are a secret weapon” of happy couples even though they “aren’t even aware that they are employing something so powerful” 
(p. 27).

The terminology ‘repair attempts’ describes “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control,” and “what determines the success of [a couple’s] repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship” (p. 27).

Sounds simple, right?

We should be nice, no?

 Dr. Gottman warns that friendship is anything but simple. In marriage, he found friendship is surprisingly complex. Nevertheless, “When a couple have a strong friendship they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way” (p. 27). 

What makes marriage work? 

 Dr. John M. Gottman 

Dr. Gottman notes seven ways that happy marriages are alike, but the core finding of decades of research with his colleagues points to one “simple truth” (p. 21). “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship . . . a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” Couples in enduring relationships “are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams, . . . have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness . . . through small gestures day in and day out” (p. 21).

Gottman advocates repair. Just as my car required repair, so do relationships, and the best repairs prevent further damage. Repairs may require 5 positives for each negative.

Cars have purpose and so do marriages, but as Gottman advises, “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved” (p.28)—especially not as readily as a car can be repaired. Yet, instead of wasting time in conflict, he reminds us that couples can “learn how to live with [their differences] by honoring and respecting each other …”. Successful relationships “don’t just ‘get along’—they support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build purpose into their lives together” (p.28).  

President Utchdorf also counsels, “Great marriages are built … day after day, over a lifetime. And that is good news. Because no matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.

“If it appears to take forever, remember: happy marriages are meant to last forever! So ‘be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great [marriage]. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great’ (Doctrine and Covenants 64:33).

“It may be a gradual work, but it doesn’t have to be a cheerless one. In fact, at the risk of stating the obvious, divorce rarely happens when the husband and wife are happy.

“So be happy!” 
(April 2016, In Praise of Those Who Save)  

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

The Divorce Diet: ReInvent Reaction Ideas

What does 'divorce' mean?

Have you ever read "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis?
He posits that divorce is a separation -
   from anything or anyone.
As in, "Sometimes I need to divorce my worst habits."

What is a 'diet'?

  Is it what we eat? and enjoy?
  Or what we sacrifice or deny?

  Is it what you CAN have, or can't?

 What you internalize, or don't?



How would you define these terms - divorce and diet?
Do these terms define only physical parameters?
Or, are there other aspects to weigh?

And consider -when conflict begins in a family, what is the 'regular' or 'habitual' response?

Is it an action moving toward an 'ideal' enduring, everlasting, family?

Do we start with small basics going toward or away from our desired outcomes?

In April 2011 LDS, General Conference, Elder Lynn G. Robbins gave a talk titled, "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?" He began with the well known quote, “To be, or not to be,” suggesting it as “a very good question.1" 

Elder Robbins reminds us,"The Savior posed the question in a far more profound way, making it a vital doctrinal question for each of us: ‘What manner of men [and women] ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am’ (3 Nephi 27:27; emphasis added). The first-person present tense of the verb be is I Am."

Jesus "invites us to take upon us His name and His nature.” As Elder Robbins finished his talk he reminded listeners that although his “remarks” were mostly “to parents, … the principles apply to everyone.”

Take a moment and reflect—ask yourself: “What manner of man or woman ought I to be?

Elder Robbins explained it this way: "To be and to do are inseparable. As interdependent doctrines they reinforce and promote each other. Faith inspires one to pray, for example, and prayer in turn strengthens one’s faith."

As he talked about interactions between family members, mostly parents and children, I often found the expectations for how to help a child become more Christlike (and follow the example of Jesus) beneficial to me–a child of God. With small adjustments of phrasing, I suddenly found the very basics I need to apply to my interactions with other family members – even some interactions with my spouse.

Elder Robbins said, “We will never have a greater opportunity to teach and show Christlike attributes to our children than in the way we discipline them … It should not be done in anger. We can and should discipline the way that Doctrine and Covenants 121 teaches us: ‘by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge’ (verses 41–42). These are all Christlike be’s that should be a part of who we, as parents and disciples of Christ, are.”

[What if we paraphrase that counsel to apply it to marriage?

“We will never have a greater opportunity to [share] or show Christlike attributes to our [spouse] than in the way we [disagree] with them … It should not be done in anger. We can and should [disagree] the way that Doctrine and Covenants 121 teaches us: ‘by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge’ (verses 41–42). These are all Christlike be’s that should be a part of who we, as [partners] and disciples of Christ, are.”

Continuing to paraphrase and apply Elder Robbins counsel to everyone, can we “turn negatives into positives[?] If your [spouse] confesses to a wrong, praise the courage it took to confess. Ask … what he or she learned from the mistake or misdeed, which gives … the Spirit an opportunity to touch and teach [you and them]. When we [learn]… doctrine by the Spirit, that doctrine has the power to change [our] very nature—be—over time.

“Alma discovered this same principle, that ‘the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword’ (Alma 31:5; emphasis added). Why? Because the sword focused only on punishing behavior—or do—while preaching the word changed people’s very nature—who they were or could become.

“[An easy going, compliant spouse will enroll us in Marriage] 101. If you are blessed with a [spouse] who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in [Marriage] 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the pre-mortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging [spouse] a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself …[in developing] your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this [spouse] as much as this [spouse] needs you?

“We have all heard the advice to condemn the sin and not the sinner. Likewise, when [there is family conflict] …, we must be careful not to say things that would cause anyone to believe that what they did wrong is who they are. “Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” with its attendant labels like “stupid,” “slow,” “lazy,” or “clumsy.”2 Our [family members] are God’s children. That is their true identity and potential. His very plan is to help His children overcome mistakes and misdeeds and to progress to become as He is. Disappointing behavior, therefore, should be considered as something temporary, not permanent—an act, not an identity.

“We need to be careful, therefore, about using permanent phrases such as ‘You always …’or ‘You never …’ [during conflict]. Take care with phrases such as ‘You never consider my feelings’ or ‘Why do you always make us wait?’ Phrases like these make actions appear as an identity and can adversely influence … [other]’s self-perception…, identity, or self-worth. …

“In helping [family members] discover who they are and helping strengthen their self-worth, we can appropriately compliment their achievement or behavior—the do. But it would be even wiser to focus our primary praise on their character and beliefs—who they are.”…

"During family scripture time, look for and discuss examples of attributes discovered in your reading that day. Because Christlike attributes are gifts from God and cannot be developed without His help,3 in family and personal prayers, pray for those gifts.

At the dinner table, occasionally talk about attributes, especially those you discovered in the scriptures earlier that morning. “In what way were you a good friend today? In what way did you show compassion? How did faith help you face today’s challenges? In what way were you dependable? honest? generous? humble?” There are scores of attributes in the scriptures that need to be [shared] and learned.

The most important way to [share] to be is to be [like] … our Father in Heaven is to us. He is … perfect …, and He has shared with us His … manual—the scriptures. … May your efforts to develop Christlike attributes be successful so that His image may be engraven in your countenance and His attributes manifest in your behavior.

REFERENCES
1. William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, 

     act 3, scene 1, line 56.
2. Carol Dweck, quoted in Joe Kita, “Bounce Back Chronicles,” 

     Reader’s Digest, May 2009, 95.
3. See Preach My Gospel: A Guide to Missionary Service (2004), 115.

The Divorce Diet: ReInvent Reactions

MINI WORKSHOP

This semester I am continuing to work on my Family Advocacy degree at BYU-I (online) as a family coach and advocate.

This week I am teaching a mini-workshop about strengthening families. It is titled “The Divorce Diet: ReInvent Reaction.”

Time and place arranged according to your needs. Please text or email to arrange times to share fun ideas and resources.

Questions? Please email ame12004@byui.edu.

SAMPLE 4: FAMILY LIFE COACHING

Mini Workshop IV: Strength Identification

What is one way you excel?

I have a strong voice.
Yes, that does mean it is loud.

In fact, when my husband drives with me in the car,
sometimes he covers his ear nearest to me.

Sorry, dear.

Every weakness has an opposite strength.
Those who are stubborn, are also steadfast.

(And my voice can be heard clearly without a mike.)

What are your strengths?

Strengths can open closed paths ...
Strengths identify open doors, show us light, and directions.

Strengths connect our head with our heart.

What are your strengths?

In October 2008, Elder Jeffrey R Holland encouraged listeners:

“Take heart, be filled with faith, and remember the Lord has said He ‘would fight [our] battles, [our] children’s battles, and [the battles of our] children’s children (D&C 98:37).’ And what do we do to merit such a defense? We are to ‘search diligently, pray always, and be believing[. Then] all things shall work together for [our] good, if [we] walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted (D&C 90:24).’ The latter days are not a time to fear and tremble. They are a time to be believing and remember our covenants. [sic]

Rescue of the Lost Lamb by Minerva Teichert

“God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved (Moroni 7:36).

"On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal” (The Ministry of Angels, October 2008).

SAMPLE 3: FAMILY LIFE COACHING

Mini Workshop III: Patterns and Possibilities

Gratitude and Kindness are key parts of genuine happiness.
Being Mindful of habitual interactions also contributes.

“[T]he positive, outward focus afforded by gratitude and kindness interventions mobilize the existing support that people have in their lives, enabling them to forge new or strengthened connections with others.

"[These findings are] consistent with prior research indicating an association between gratitude, kindness, and elements of improved relational functioning… [to]… predict the acquisition of positive relational resources ...” (Passmore, & Oades, 2016).

Mindful. Kindness. Gratitude.

What do these terms mean?

Let's define them.

Being Mindful is the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

The concept of mindfulness originates in a term meaning to remember.

It combines remembering with a sense of non-judgmental acceptance, kindness and friendliness.

Kindness: is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

Kindness changes hearts and lives.

In kindness intervention research, kindness is defined as “behaviors that benefit other people, or make them happy.” Researchers propose that these behaviors “usually involve some effort on our part” (Kerr et al, 2015), and suggest we look for 5 daily acts of kindness that we can do every day, with at least one of those acts being intentional.

What 5 kind acts can you do today—
 making one of those acts intentional?

"Kindness is a choice that can create change today"—now
  (Kerr, S. C.,2015).

“Positive emotion has an 'undoing effect' on damaging negative mood states, and is self-perpetuating, such that the experience of positive emotion can lead to an upward spiral ... [as] the context of ... one’s habitual ways of thinking are expanded and broadened …

 “Cultivat[ing] feelings of loving-kindness (directed toward the self and others)… [gives] purpose in life, social support, … and reduced negative affect and symptoms of illness ...

"Otake et al. (2006) examined the importance of kindness … [and observed] increases in happiness … in participants who had completed the most kind acts, whereas no increase in happiness was observed for the control group” (Kerr, S. C., 2015).

How many synonyms can you think of for the word Kind?

In a literature review of hundreds of studies about positive and negative affects on emotional and physical well-being, Ramsey and Gentzler provide evidence that positive interactions form “an upward spiral” of increasingly beneficial exchanges. 

Their research includes many other specific categories and “indicates that we all are actively influencing each other's positive [attitudes]” and that this is associated with “the quality of our relationships” (Ramsey & Gentzler, 2015).

In other research regarding couple relationships, we learn that this influence is so great that "when there is a discrepancy between individuals' self-views and a spouses' views, both change in ways to become more consistent with the views of the other. [Beware however,] that individuals and spouses are as likely to adopt negative views as they are to adopt positive views" (Cast & Cantwell 2007).

Gratitude: is readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness; the quality of being thankful.

“[G]ratitude is, in essence, a positive emotion beneficial for positive functioning, as well as broadening and building other positive emotions, which, in turn, result in an increase in emotional well-being” (CHIH-CHE, L. 2015, my emphasis).

“ [G]ratitude serves a social function in helping build and maintain relationships between family members and the wider kinship group.

More importantly, gratitude encourages individuals to focus their attention on the positive aspects of their life, in contrast with dwelling on negative issues and events.

Research … has linked gratitude with hope, life satisfaction, and more proactive behaviors towards others.

In conflict situations, reflect on the individual with whom you are in conflict. If a relationship is “less strong, reflect and identify one (or – even better – two or three) characteristics admired or appreciated in the other person. By expressing gratitude for these aspects of the person, and by focusing attention on these aspects, an anchor can be provided which may allow the relationship to develop . . .” (Passmore, & Oades, (2016).

Consistent daily choices change our connectedness and confidence, and begin in our thoughts. 

Elder David A. Bednar, of the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, teaches:

“Ordinary people who faithfully, diligently, and consistently do simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results" (Bednar, BYU’s 2011 Women’s Conference).

RESOURCES

Allemand, M., & Hill, P. L. (2016). Gratitude From Early Adulthood to Old Age. Journal Of Personality, 84(1), 21-35.

Bednar, D. A. (2011). Small and simple things. BYU Women’s Conference Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/church/news/elder-david-a-bednar-teaches-about-the-spiritual-pattern-of-small-and-simple-things?lang=eng

Benzo, R. P., Abascal-Bolado, B., & Dulohery, M. M. (2016). Quality of life: Self-management and quality of life in chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD): The mediating effects of positive affect. Patient Education And Counseling, 99617-623. doi:10.1016/j.pec.2015.10.031

Carr, D., Morgan, B., & Gulliford, L. (2015). Learning and teaching virtuous gratitude. Oxford Review Of Education, 41(6), 766-781.

CHIH-CHE, L. (2015). IMPACT OF GRATITUDE ON RESOURCE DEVELOPMENT AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING. Social Behavior & Personality: An International Journal, 43(3), 493-504.

Garland, E., Kiken, L., Faurot, K., Palsson, O., & Gaylord, S. (2017). Upward Spirals of Mindfulness and Reappraisal: Testing the Mindfulness-to-Meaning Theory with Autoregressive Latent Trajectory Modeling. Cognitive Therapy & Research, 41(3), 381-392.

Holland, J. R. (2007, October). The tongue of angels. LDS General Conference Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/the-tongue-of-angels?lang=eng

Holland, J. R. (2013, October). Like a broken vessel. LDS General Conference Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

Hunt, C. S. (2016). Getting to the heart of the matter: Discursive negotiations of emotions within literacy coaching interactions. Teaching And Teacher Education, 60331-343. doi:10.1016/j.tate.2016.09.004

Kerr, S., O'Donovan, A., & Pepping, C. (2015). Can Gratitude and Kindness Interventions Enhance Well-Being in a Clinical Sample?. Journal Of Happiness Studies, 16(1), 17-36.

Korb, A. P., & Siegel, D. J. (2015). The upward spiral : using neuroscience to reverse the course of depression, one small change at a time. Oakland, California : New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2015.

Larsen, D. L. (1976). Thoughts about thoughts. BYU Speeches. Retrieved from https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/dean-l-larsen_thoughts-thoughts/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ih8XYiiBjTE

McMaster, C. W. (1969) IRI “Kindness Begins with Me,” Children’s Songbook, 145.

Passmore, J., & Oades, L. G. (2016). Positive psychology techniques – gratitude. Coaching Psychologist, 12(1), 34-35.

Petrocchi, N., & Couyoumdjian, A. (2016). The impact of gratitude on depression and anxiety: the mediating role of criticizing, attacking, and reassuring the self. Self & Identity, 15(2), 191-205.

Pohl, C. D. (2012). Recovering kindness: an urgent virtue in a ruthless world. The Christian Century, 129(22), 10-11.

Ramsey, M. A., & Gentzler, A. L. (2015). An upward spiral: Bidirectional associations between positive affect and positive aspects of close relationships across the life span. Developmental Review, 3658-104. doi:10.1016/j.dr.2015.01.003

Renshaw, T. L., & Olinger Steeves, R. M. (2016). What good is gratitude in youth and schools? A systematic review and meta-analysis of correlates and intervention outcomes. Psychology In The Schools, 53(3), 286-305.

Rusk, R., Vella-Brodrick, D., & Waters, L. (2016). Gratitude or Gratefulness? A Conceptual Review and Proposal of the System of Appreciative Functioning. Journal Of Happiness Studies, 17(5), 2191-2212. doi:10.1007/s10902-015-9675-z

Singh, B., Salve, S., & Shejwal, B. R. (2017). Role of gratitude, personality, and psychological well-being in happiness among young adults. Indian Journal Of Health

SAMPLE 2: FAMILY LIFE COACHING

MINI WORKSHOP II: REORIENT

What are you avoiding?

What if tomorrow that thing, or circumstance,
or person changed - for the better?

And the issue or problem no longer exists?

What is the opposite?

How can you approach1 instead of avoid?
How can you achieve future positive outcomes?

What do you want?

No, not what you don't want.

What DO you want!
What can you do?
Wait a minute, I didn't ask what you can't do.
I asked what you can do!

Approach 1  goals  bypass the pitfalls of avoidance 2 .
Focus on desires orients energy toward outcomes.

Could Peter walk on water?
Absolutely -
even if it he only did it for a few steps!

And, Peter walked during the height of the storm.
"[H]e saw the wind boisterous ...."
From then on, Peter could say, "Yes, I can!"
And note, Jesus told him how to do it again.
Matthew 14:22-33

Saint PeterAttempting to Walk on Water
François Boucher Cathédrale Saint-Louis (1766) Versailles

In October 2012, President Henry B Eyring, taught:
“The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible.  . . . but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time. . . . God is close to us and aware of us and never hides from His faithful children."

“We remove the pavilion when we feel and pray, ‘Thy will be done’ and ‘in Thine own time.’ His time should be soon enough for us since we know that He wants only what is best.”

"The Lord’s delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. They need never be times of loneliness or sorrow or impatience. Although His time is not always our time, we can be sure that the Lord keeps His promises." (Where Is The Pavilion?, 2012)

1. Conoley, C. W., Plumb, E. W., Hawley, K. J., Spaventa-Vancil, K. Z., & Hernández, R. J. (2015). Integrating Positive Psychology Into Family Therapy: Positive Family TherapyΨ. Counseling Psychologist, 43(5), 703. doi:10.1177/0011000015575392 


2. More reading , resources, and other possibilities 

SAMPLE 1: FAMILY LIFE COACHING

MINI WORKSHOP I 

1. Who is in your household now?

(Define your “family”.)

 2. What specific desirable outcome for your family can you identify?

3. What are some ways you can track that outcome?
     I keep a journal where I write notes to myself.
     What are 5 ways to accomplish your outcome?

 (These options can be fact, or fiction).

4. Which option – only one – can you apply?

If none of the 5 can be applied, what else might you try?
Who else can provide new insights?

5. What strategy can help you apply an option?
      One helpful method is SMART Goals:

•        Specific (simple, sensible, significant).
•       Measurable (meaningful, motivating).
•       Achievable (agreed, attainable).
•        Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).
•        Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited,    
       timely, time-sensitive). 

* See also the MIT version or Abbey Rike's t.his blog.

** Another workable pattern is the ADKAR change model.

Do you have another preference?

Please share it in “Comments” below

Elder Robert D. Hales, an apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taught, “Use your agency to develop yourself personally. . . [by letting] the Spirit guide you. ...

 "Choose and act for yourself. Be motivated from within. Make a plan for your life. . . . Explore interests and skills. Work and become self-reliant. Set goals, overcome mistakes, gain experience, and finish what you begin. . . . Be sure to participate . . . enjoy wholesome fun.  . . .

"Above all, have faith in the Savior! Fear not! As we diligently live the gospel, we become strong in the Lord. . . . In the strength of the Lord we are able to stand against any philosophy or creed that denies the Savior and contradicts the great, eternal plan of happiness for all of God’s children.”  Robert D Hales,  “Stand Strong in Holy Places,” April 2013

FAMILY LIFE COACH

 A Family Life Coach provides:

•  reassurance
• encouragement 
• a future focus.

Again, If you can walk on water,
               Why sink or swim?

             (Matthew 14: 25-30)

When the Lord commands, and we focus on Him,

the seemingly impossible becomes possible.

Walking on Water by Brian Jekel

FAMILY COACHING: CLIENT INVITATION

HEY COACH, What next ...

If you are thinking of a sports coach, think again.

This semester, learning Family Life Coaching skills that strengthen individuals and family relationships is an adventure. Volunteer clients will be clarifying objectives and exploring new options as we learn to make firm decisions, move past obstacles, and become accountable to act on choices.

Family Coaching, like all coaching professions, promotes confidence in the application of existing and acquired skills. The process is about developing goals you choose, defining your measures of success, and having coaching support to provide encouragement, focus and accountability.

Coaching is about you taking action to get where you want to be through personal exploration, goal setting, and consistent effort. A family coach provides reassurance and courage for today, with the impetus for you to focus forward on future aspirations and objectives.

Services offered by student coaches have no fees (even though typical fees, for professional family and life coaching services, vary in the range of $50 to $150+ per hour.

A pilot coach-training class, beginning September 2017, is accepting volunteers willing to receive short term services from mentored coaches-in-training. The services are provided on-line or face-to-face as available.

If you are willing to volunteer to help train new family coaches by receiving services without characteristic coaching fees, please text
Linda Ames at 509-760-8719
(or e-mail ame12004@byui.edu).

Please contact me if you have questions, or need more information.

ECLIPSE TAKE AWAY

Monday, 21 August 2017

The day was warmish and sunny with clear skies here in central Washington.

In the early afternoon we saw part of the much talked about eclipse of the sun, and indeed, as explained on the internet, we did see crescent shaped shadows.

Shadow of a hanging plant showing crescents on concrete step.

David pointed out the lacy shadows on the porch from our hanging pots, and we snapped a few photos. Then, remembering I had heard to look under trees, I moved an outdoor table under a tree and to show the same crescents in the dappled shade.

Crescents in shade of a tree on an outdoor table.

All that was fun, but not what I remember most.

As the sky dimmed, quite a bit, surprisingly,
   a sudden chill permeated the air.

My husband said, "I almost want my jacket."

Of course it didn't last long, and in a few minutes the sun seemed hotter than before the eclipse, and for the rest of the day the air seemed generally much hotter, although by temperature measurements it really wasn't significantly different. (Strangely, to me it has seemed oddly 'hotter' all week.)

The thing I will always remember is the chill.

We know the sun provides light, heat, and energy, yet day in and day out we largely ignore it and take it for granted. It is simply there and we expect it to be there, and continue to be there, providing for our needs.

I pondered this attitude of entitlement.
I wondered, what else do I take for granted?
And I thought of all the people in my life.

I thought of strangers, and acquaintances,
   and especially of family.

I thought of my siblings, my parents,
   and my children — all my posterity.

Too often I neglect to be grateful for their presence on the planet.

Too often I neglect to be grateful and interested in the world and things around me, all the people, all the animals, all the plants, and all the ecosystems. What wonders I ignore — perhaps even,  far too often — the creators of Heaven and Earth.

God is real, and he loves his children — you and I!
It is as simple and sure as the sun rising and setting.
And as the seasons passing.

What else do I take for granted?

I particularly considered my spouse.
I think I take him for granted every day.

That is my eclipse take away.

I am grateful for all the things my spouse does.

The more I considered what he does the more I realized how much I take him for granted.  Yet I am very grateful for my spouse, for who he is, and what he is. . . for what he does, and even for what he doesn't do.

I'll climb down off my soap box now, but just think ...

What do you take for granted — like the sun?

FAMILY RULES

“Family rules are maintained and transmitted across generations on three levels: explicit, implicit, and intuitive” teaches Dr. Bernard E. Poduska, associate professor of family life at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, (p.27). 

EXPLICIT RULES

A large poster, of a great variety of fresh vegetable and wholesome foods and grains, graced the wall behind our dining room table for many years. It was an EXPLICIT message impossible to ignore: this family loves vegetables.

It was a family rule; we mostly eat healthy foods. 

Similar posters may be purchased at All Posters on-line. 

It was discussed openly, and everyone knew the symbolism of that poster. EXPLICIT rules are the most obvious kinds. They are often written out, and placed prominently for all to see and remember: by the microwave or on the refrigerator, in a hallway, beside a light switch, or on a door. 

Such messages also may carry implicit and/or intuitive messages.

We have other EXPLICIT messages written on sticky notes, or dry erase marker on the large mirror in our main bathroom. We call it our personal ‘Liahona” (see 1Nephi 16).

The writing “change[s] from time to time” as prompts and quotes remind us to align our actions with our knowledge: 

  “Look Ahead, and Believe”
    (October 2013, Edward Dube, 
      of the Seventy); 

  “Work Will Win,
     When Wishy Washy
     Wishing Won’t”
        (Thomas S. Monson, 
        BYU Speeches, 11Jan 2009); 

  “Replace Fear With Faith”
    (April 2017, Deiter F. Uchtdorf).

                                                 

IMPLICIT RULES

When we were newlyweds, my husband David, arrived home from work early in the evening. I was prepared. A carefully planned supper simmered on the stove, with fresh bread just coming out of the oven. The table was set, the house tidy, and I had changed to a fresh blouse.

His key in the lock, and step on the landing alerted me that he was home. I finished turning the bread out of the baking pans, buttered the tops of the loaves, and placed the food in serving dishes. 

From the doorway of our split level home, David called out his arrival, but never came down to the main floor. I knew how much he loved fresh-from-the-oven bread; how could he resist the aroma? I went up to tell him supper was getting cold. 

I found him just getting into a steaming bath. When he arrived home from a tense, sweaty day at work he expected a leisurely soak, and an uninterrupted period of relaxation; “Could you scrub my back,” he asked hopefully. 

I was astonished. Wasn’t he hungry?

Marriage blends rules and expectations from two cultures – two different family systems, and none of us “enter marriage empty handed; we carry a lot of ‘baggage’ with us” (Poduska, 2000, p.25). 

Each of us were acting according to IMPLICIT, unspoken rules “taught through non-verbal communication” and learned “below conscious awareness,” about “every day kinds of issues” (Poduska, 2000, pp.27-28).

These lessons are “repeated throughout childhood” (p. 27).  We all know where our father sits, and what to do (or avoid) if our mother cries.

David grew up in town, and his father worked in an office. He also served in Stake [i] and Ward (or Branch) [ii] leadership roles [iii].  In the evening, he might work around the house or yard, attend scheduled meetings, relax visiting friends, or play with the children. 

When David got home from work  he wanted to immediately ‘clean-up,’ to be refreshed and ready for evening activities with friends and family. He was willing to delay supper enough to be refreshed, set aside the stresses of the day, and able to engage socially.

When my father got home from work he was often pressured for time, and needed to eat immediately. We lived on a small farm with animals and crops to care for before night fell.

The dirtiest and hardest part of his day began after supper, in the fields and barnyard. He did not need to clean up or rest. He needed food for impeding rigor. I understood this need and the unspoken sacrifices and rules effected by that need.

David and I had to discuss and negotiate our own 'family rules' and expectations.

“It is important that couples understand the rules that bias their perceptions” (Poduska, 2000. p. 30) because misunderstandings and hurt feelings may impose unexpected penalties. 

 Differences between husband and wife, “their irreverence toward or compliance with family rules … helps explain why some … in-law[s] are accepted … and others are not. The degree of harmony between a husband’s family rules and the wife’s family rules also greatly determines the degree of difficulty in adjusting to marriage” (p.31).

When expectations aren’t met, “the most frequent consequences” are “distancing by other family members” (p.30).

INTUITIVE RULES

The poster of fruits and vegetables in our dining room, represented not only an explicit rule, but also significant INTUITIVE family rules. As multi-generational members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we adhere to The Word of Wisdom, a health code revealed to Joseph Smith in 1833 [iv].

We abstain from using tobacco and alcohol, and hot drinks—specifically coffee and tea.

We believe

 “… strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of [our] bodies.

And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.

And again, hot drinks [coffee and tea] are not for the body or belly.

And …all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used.with prudence and thanksgiving.

Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, … [are] ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; …

All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life…. (Doctrine and Covenants 89:7-14). 

INTUITIVE RULES, usually unspoken, are more far reaching than.either explicit or implicit rules. They are “associated with … ethnic, religious, or vocational backgrounds” and are often “based on family heritage” with inherited “instinctive obligations” incorporating traditions and beliefs that one is expected to “pass on” to posterity (Poduska, p.28).

Although the poster in our dining room explicitly signified good health fostered by eating well, it also carried many other implications of physical health, religious teachings, and the habits and expectations of four and five generations of progenitors.

Both David and I brought these same INTUITIVE rules to our relationship, so we did not experience conflict.

 “Most families have hundreds of spoken and unspoken rules” (Poduska, p.29).

Dr. Poduska gives an example to illustrate:

A woman raised in a small Japanese village [develops qualities which can be directly] attributed to being Japanese. Similarly, a man raised in a small Swedish village would acquire rules that make him Swedish.

If both were to immigrate to the United States, they would take a great deal of their heritage with them and would need to adapt … in their new communities. (p.29)

Marriage entails similar adjustments. Rules from the past can play a significant role in how well marital identity is formed and adjustments to in-laws happen. 

Elder Marvin J. Ashton, an apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1971-1994) taught, “Couples do well to immediately find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side … an independent domicile … governed by your decision, by your own prayerful consideration” (1974, as quoted by Harper and Olsen, 2005, p.328).

Spencer W. Kimball, twelfth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1973-1985), gave couples similar counsel to “establish their own household, separate from their parents,” and added that married couples “should confide in and counsel with their spouses, … [and] any counsel from outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together” (as quoted by Harper and Olsen, 2005, p.328).

“One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of [a] new couple” (p.328).

As a husband and wife separate “from families of origin,” it may help them ‘establish’ their own traditions and rules if they imagine “existing together inside an invisible fence,” where they have privacy to “share information and behavior with each other …[that] is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law” (p.328).

EXPLAIN—BE CLEAR

 “The more a person can learn and talk about the unspoken rules in the … spouse’s family, the easier it will be to [assimilate]. … The clearer family rules are the better, because new sons—or daughters-in-law can’t follow rules if they don’t understand them.” (Harper and Olsen, 2005, p.332).

 Each couple must learn about the other’s family rules, examine what “to perpetuate or discard” (Poduska, p.33), and use “knowledge of [their] spouse’s rules … to express love and consideration in ways that can be more fully understood and appreciated by both” (p.32).

Inclusion, accepting and valuing differences, fosters fond family interactions. When  fresh viewpoints are expected to enrich everyone, and “bring new perspectives” that enhance, balance, and even complete understanding (Harper and Olsen, 2005, p.330), family members look forward to building and perfecting relationships—relationships to last forever.

REFERENCES

All Posters: http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Verdura-Fresca-Fresh-Vegetables-Still-Life-Art-Print-Poster-Posters_i8927689_.htm

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 11). Salt Lake City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.

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[i] Stake: An organizational unit, often geographically based, in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is usually composed of 5 -10 congregations. (see Isaiah 54:2 "enlarge the place of thy tent; stretch forth the curtains of thine habitation; spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes").

[ii] Ward: “Large congregations (approximately 300 or more members) are called wards, in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Smaller congregations are called branches. A ward is led by a bishop and two counselors, who constitute a bishopric. Branches are led by a branch president and two counselors.” 

[iii] The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has lay leadership, unpaid members of the congregations who volunteer their time.

[iv] This health code is found in Doctrine and Covenants Section 89 of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.