WANTED: REPAIRS

 My new-to-me car was blue, my favorite color. 

In addition to a powerful V8, the Buick Lucerne CXL, 4 door sedan featured all 5 possible luxury packages including a remote start which activated automatic temperature control for the interior and warming (or cooling) for the cream-colored leather seats. Also included were airbag and braking safety features; rain-sense wipers, tachometer and cruise control; heated, auto-dimming mirrors; specialty lighting and sound systems and interior trim, and much more.

Everything I could think to have for economy (25-30 mpg), safety, comfort, and pleasure; and many things I hadn’t even considered (like tire pressure sensors) were mine, all mine! 

And it was a steal! Found almost by chance through a surprising turn of events, I knew it was for me. I knew God (fate, karma, or whatever you may ascribe such blessings to) had provided me with a choice car, in my cash price range (very low), at the very time I needed it most. Kindness and love from family members also assisted possible ownership to become a reality. 

The ride was exhilarating.

There was an accident that dented the front passenger door extensively. Although it could be opened and closed, the window was not functional and the glass was cracked so severely that safety was an issue. 

Should I drive the car with damage?

Mechanically, the car was sound.

Should I ignore the issues?

Of course not!

I loved the car, and immediately had the entire door completely repaired so it, and the window, could be used without hindrance.

Marriage can be compared to my car.

There should be benefits, safety, comfort, pleasure—and joy.

Courtship may be amazing, perhaps even in the way you meet, and soon a date is set, plans with loved ones launched, and the exhilaration of marriage begins.

Eventually a few bumps, and perchance an accident—or two—cause a dent in the relationship or damage to feelings of one or both partners.

Should the issues be ignored?

Of course not!

Although the relationship is still intact,
 repair is needed, something more than polishing or waxing. 

Hurt feelings, and dented egos devalue connections, diminish trust, and contribute to future concerns.

Over time, extensive damage on a car will worsen causing paint to fail, and the canker of rust to begin. And cracked glass eventually breaks. The integrity of the entire vehicle can be jeopardized.

Family, and marriages (and other cherished loved ones) have much deeper inherent value than cars. They also need daily care, frequent maintenance, 

and occasional repairs. 

President Deiter F. Uchtdorf, second counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints advises, “Set aside pride.

“Sincerely apologizing to your children, your [spouse], your family, or your friends is not a sign of weakness but of strength. …Even when you are not at fault—perhaps especially when you are not at fault—let love conquer pride” (April 2016, In Praise of Those Who Save).

In 2012 President Uchtdorf instructed, “When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: Stop it!

“It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love …” (Uchtdorf, Deiter F., The Merciful Obtain Mercy, April 2012).

New York Times bestselling authors of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman and Nan Silver,  claim successful marriage repair attempts are one of the “primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish” (p. 27) and one of the most “important findings” from the 
“Love Lab,” in Seattle. 

After decades of research involving thousands of couples, they claim to be able to predict marital breakdown to divorce with an astonishing 91% average accuracy rate (p.2; see also Mathematics of Marriage: Predicting Divorce). 

Repair attempts among couples vary and have no particular format, but “are a secret weapon” of happy couples even though they “aren’t even aware that they are employing something so powerful” 
(p. 27).

The terminology ‘repair attempts’ describes “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control,” and “what determines the success of [a couple’s] repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship” (p. 27).

Sounds simple, right?

We should be nice, no?

 Dr. Gottman warns that friendship is anything but simple. In marriage, he found friendship is surprisingly complex. Nevertheless, “When a couple have a strong friendship they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way” (p. 27). 

What makes marriage work? 

 Dr. John M. Gottman 

Dr. Gottman notes seven ways that happy marriages are alike, but the core finding of decades of research with his colleagues points to one “simple truth” (p. 21). “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship . . . a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” Couples in enduring relationships “are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams, . . . have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness . . . through small gestures day in and day out” (p. 21).

Gottman advocates repair. Just as my car required repair, so do relationships, and the best repairs prevent further damage. Repairs may require 5 positives for each negative.

Cars have purpose and so do marriages, but as Gottman advises, “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved” (p.28)—especially not as readily as a car can be repaired. Yet, instead of wasting time in conflict, he reminds us that couples can “learn how to live with [their differences] by honoring and respecting each other …”. Successful relationships “don’t just ‘get along’—they support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build purpose into their lives together” (p.28).  

President Utchdorf also counsels, “Great marriages are built … day after day, over a lifetime. And that is good news. Because no matter how flat your relationship may be at the present, if you keep adding pebbles of kindness, compassion, listening, sacrifice, understanding, and selflessness, eventually a mighty pyramid will begin to grow.

“If it appears to take forever, remember: happy marriages are meant to last forever! So ‘be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great [marriage]. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great’ (Doctrine and Covenants 64:33).

“It may be a gradual work, but it doesn’t have to be a cheerless one. In fact, at the risk of stating the obvious, divorce rarely happens when the husband and wife are happy.

“So be happy!” 
(April 2016, In Praise of Those Who Save)  

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

NOVEL

A friend asked me to read a manuscript for a novel. A large one. The basic story line is of a teenage girl suddenly becoming a queen (of course complete with fantasy worlds,  peoples and things).  It actually was OK – not bad, really – quite readable.  I encouraged the author to seek a publisher.  Later the author asked if I would read the sequel – Part II of 3.  It is like most sequels. And larger. I am struggling to read it despite the story being mostly an extension and expansion that fleshes out the worlds, peoples and things – it is months and I am still not finished!

In the novel the young queen is – well – young.  That makes for adventure right there does it not? Terrific and terrible all rolled into one.  She has wonderful abilities to heal and help people and also conceal that it is her that is doing it but they all know she is a ‘healer’ and that her touch can heal.  Of course, they don’t know the extent of her power.  She doesn’t either – and parenthetically neither, apparently, does the author as it never quite gets to where this reader thinks the natural, if this then that, extension should lean.

As the various people meet their ‘queen’ they close their eyes and drop to one knee.  I ponder in my mind, “Whom would I kneel to?  And would I be willing to close my eyes while doing so?” Anyone? Symbolically? Do I submit my own selfishness for the good of my husband? my family? Am I obedient to good and appropriate council? The queen meets with a race of giants – they willingly kneel and close their eyes.  They are some of her friendliest, wisest, kindest people. 

This morning as I dozed at the edge of awakening I considered this story and the giants.  They were among the wisest of the wise, and by sheer size some of the most powerful.  To kneel before someone is to acknowledge someone as greater than I, myself, am.  My pondering thoughts wandered and mingled into short and silly dreams. I got up earlier than necessary in disgust. Yet my mind holds to the thought thread – I kneel when I pray.

To kneel before their young and sometimes foolish/impetuous queen, and close their eyes the giants  gave their safety and well being to her.  What or whom do I give myself to? The giants were not too proud to acknowledge her power AND her position.  I consider, “Am I too proud to ________” but the list I begin to debate in my mind must be set aside to answer the phone.

I find those same lists again in a 1989 General Conference talk (reprinted in part for the October 2003 New Era) by Ezra Taft Benson about pride. It is only a few keystrokes away on lds.org and easily perused.  

“Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

The Heart of Pride

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.” Ezra Taft Benson

These are strong words. This is definitely not milk for babies. He continues at length and finishes with even meatier words, 
“Pride is the universal sin, the great vice. Yes, pride is the universal sin, the great vice.

The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness.  It is the broken heart and contrite spirit.”

Am I humble? Meek? Submissive? Will I kneel to God? Close my eyes and beg his mercy? Am I full of enmity? Or any of these other ‘elements’ listed? -  towards you, my family or fellow human beings? things like hard-heartedness, being easily offended, or competitiveness that pits my intellect, opinions, work, wealth, talent, or any other thing against you in attempts to elevate myself or diminish you, or in other ways make you feel like an adversary?

Ezra Taft Benson states that, “[Pride] can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.

Disobedience is essentially a prideful power struggle against someone in authority over us. It can be a parent, a priesthood leader, a teacher, or ultimately God. A proud person hates the fact that someone is above him. He thinks this lowers his position. …”

GASP!!!! There are those lists again. The ones I personally struggle with.  And he is far from finished.  He continues by listing the
“Forms of Pride.

Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking. …

Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride.

Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention”

The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.

The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures.

The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure…

Pride is the universal sin, the great vice. Yes, pride is the universal sin, the great vice.”

I hope you can forgive me for all the times I have been or may ever be puffed up in pride, full of selfishness, disobedience, mockery or contention. I am working on it. I will continue to do so. 

Ezra Taft Benson is a prophet of God.  His words stir my heart. I want to do better.  Perhaps I can start by remembering to always kneel before God and close my eyes as I pray for his forgiveness and yours.