POWER: GIVE AND TAKE

D&C 121:41-46“[P]ower or influence can or ought to be maintained… only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge … [and] also be full of charity towards all … [yet] let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; … [so] The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion…”

FAMILY DYNAMICS

Two grandchildren, age 9 and 5, visited over July 4^th. I’ll call them Sister Sue and Brother Bob. Sue was baptized and confirmed[i] recently, and is learning many new lessons about following the spirit—using her newly confirmed “Gift of the Holy Ghost.’ Bob has a knack for eliciting a ‘darling-baby’ response in many interactions.

Big-sister Sue, often rushes to ‘save’ little Bob—from everything exciting or traumatic—especially exciting things she wants to do. Bob gets very frustrated at constant interference—after all, he is a ‘big boy.’ Sue know exactly how to (though appearing innocent), frustrate Brother Bob until he cries and complains.

Bob, on the other hand, takes advantage of sympathies to push until Sister Sue lashes out, or plots revenge. He seems adept at creating a climate of ‘poor-me-bullied-by-her.’

Power struggles common to childhood, may linger in some adults as acquired habits which lock them into constant angst and conflict. Attempting to describe lead-up and fallout of such events is lengthy, but they usually occur in microseconds.

I observed such an incident develop and diffuse,
  almost before I realized it was occurring.  

While visiting an Aunt and cousins, Sister Sue was trying very hard to be a ‘model-perfect-good girl.’ As Suzy sat on a stool eating, Bob repeatedly walked past and around, just close enough to bump her, as he ‘innocently’ got drinks and snacks.

PREVENTION

In my experience, the adage “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” discloses great truth.  We’ve tried to teach our children (and now grandchildren) to ‘boss’ themselves, not others. Sister Sue was soon steaming, and plotting. I could see it in her face and ready-to-swing fists should he again came too close. As I began to wonder about how to prevent a blow-out, I saw him coming again—and so did she.

I watched in the helpless fascination of time slowed to freeze-frame-jerks, and saw something unexpected. I saw her flinch as if to strike, but she didn’t. 

I’d overheard loving parents teaching kindness, and listening to promptings. I realized that discussion was influencing her—Bob walked away completely oblivious to what occurred.

WHO'S THE BOSS?

In his 2008 article, “Who Is The Boss?” Richard B. Miller, PhD, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, taught the power of parents working together to teach true principles. 

Quoting several prominent authorities he reinforced that “setting limits to what a child can do means …you love him and respect him.” When we “in our affection … dare not check [children] in a wayward course, [or] in wrong-doing … for fear of offending them” we do them a disservice. He clarified that parents should “not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed.”

I called Sister Sue’s name, and motioned her to come for a hug. She did, and cried a little. The effort had been huge. I told her she is an amazing big sister to kindly ignore Bob when he is trying to bug her.

I asked how she felt. “Good,” she replied, reinforcing that she can feel and heed spiritual promptings.

Without knowing it, she felt powerful.

Self-control is one of the greatest powers we can develop. 

Later I made sure to tell her parents (in her hearing), about her inherent goodness and desire to do what is right. Telling others what they do right, and thanking them for it validates their strengths and increases their inner motivation to continue.

Nevertheless, later the same evening, Sue tormented Bob while they brushed teeth at the same time. I failed to realize she was blocking him from the sink, and his mouth was full of toothpaste foam. He was whining without words, and I wondered why he was walking back and forth, back and forth, first on one side and then the other. 

When I caught on, I asked her to make sure he could use the sink, and she appeared to stand to one side, but straddled her feet so he still had difficulty getting to the sink. 

Sheesh!

Rather than making a bigger issue of her efforts to be ‘innocently inconsiderate,’ I complimented his cooperation, and willingness to try to get along by using either side. Seeming to give in (to Sue) by adjusting his own actions, gave Bob greater choices than fighting her.

These dynamics of power can be seen in marriage and family relationships of all types. Dr. Miller’s research reveals that “power is made up of two major components …

• the process of power, where one [person]… tends to dominate [interactions, or fail to] listen
•  [and] power outcome, which is determined by which [person] tends to get their way….”

When I complimented Brother Bob's willingness to get along in peace, she put her feet together, both finished their teeth, and we had lots of time to read stories.

If we notice good, others are motivated to align actions and behaviors toward more good. 

In 1998, while serving in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Henry B Eyring taught that God “placed in His children a desire to live at peace with all those around them.”

FALSE POWER: CONTENTION

Eyring reminded listeners that “Satan, [our] enemy … plants the seeds of discord in human hearts” because he knows the plan of happiness for God’s children and “knows that only in eternal life can those sacred, joyful associations of families endure.” 

Satan's intent is to cause misery by damaging family relationships.

When we fail to follow Jesus Christ’s example, we give Satan power 

“to reign over us,” cautioned Ezra Taft Benson [ii] (thirteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; 1985-1994), in his April 1986 Conference address, and again in 1989 

Can we thwart the adversary’s power and make peace?

SEE GOOD, SPEAK WELL

Elder Eyring teaches that peace and unity come as we “see the good in each other and speak well of each other whenever we can.”   He reminds us:

There are some commandments which, when broken, destroy unity. Some have to do with what we say and some with how we react to what others say. … 

[For] unity, there are commandments we must keep concerning how we feel. We must forgive and bear no malice toward those who offend us. The Savior set the example from the cross: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).

We do not know the hearts of those who offend us. Nor do we know all the sources of our own anger and hurt. 

The Apostle Paul was telling us how to love in a world of imperfect people, including ourselves, when he said, 'Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil' (1 Cor. 13:4–5).

And then he gave solemn warning against reacting to the fault of others and forgetting our own …” (1 Cor. 13:12).

Elder Eyring explains further that the power of unity and peace come to us through the spirit.

The Holy Ghost is a sanctifier. We can have it as our companion because the Lord restored the Melchizedek Priesthood through the Prophet Joseph Smith. The keys of that priesthood are on the earth today. By its power we can make covenants which allow us to have the Holy Ghost constantly.

Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit … never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131).

It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls.

A CHILD CAN

Elder Eyring reminds us that accessing the Holy Ghost as a companion is so simple that “a child can understand what to do.” We make and keep baptismal covenants to remember Jesus Christ and be obedient to God’s commandments, to “always have his Spirit to be with [us]” 

(D&C 20:77).

Sister Sue tells me it’s sometimes hard to hear the spirit, that it is very quiet, and that she is practicing listening still. I am humbled.

I am practicing, too.

REFERENCES

Ballard, M. R. (1997). Counseling with our councils: learning to minister together in the church and in the family. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Christensen, Joe J. (1993). “Rearing children in a polluted environment” retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/rearing-children-in-a-polluted-environment?lang=eng 6 July 2017.

Eyring, Henry B. "That we may be one" Ensign May 1998, 66. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, May 1998. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one.p11?lang=eng 06 July 2017.

Miller, Richard B. “Who is the boss? Power relationships in families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.

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[i] Baptism followed by confirmation as a member of the Church also confers The Gift of the Holy Ghost.

[ii] President Ezra Taft Benson delivered "Cleansing the Inner Vessel" April 1986. And then reiterated and expanded his teachings April 1989 when he requested Gordon B. Hinckley, first counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to read “Beware of Pride” in his behalf.

POSITIVE PURPOSES

“We believe ….”
Basic beliefs of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, are outlined in 13 brief statements called “The Articles of Faith.” Twelve of the 13 statements begin with these same two words: “We believe ….”

With this as context, an anecdote related by Brent A. Barlow, an associate professor of Family Science at BYU, is most amusing.

As a young missionary for the LDS Church, he and his companion “met a Protestant minister who invited [them] in out of the cold. After exchanging points of view on various topics, he asked [them], ‘And what is the Mormon attitude towards sexuality?’”

The young, unmarried Elder was speechless and sure his new companion, also single, “knew next to nothing on the matter.” However, when the minister inquired a second time, his companion “finally said, ‘Sir, we believe in it.’” (Ensign, September 1986).

My husband and I may laugh about this story for a long time.

We believe in it too!

STEWARDSHIPS OF SEXUALITY 

Sometimes people are embarrassed to openly discuss, 

  or learn about, human sexuality.

Research psychologist and author, Dr. Sean E. Brotherson, describes this lack of literacy regarding sexuality in his 2003 Meridian Magazine article, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage.”  He recounts, “President Hugh B. Brown, who served as a counselor in the First Presidency, wrote the following about sexual intimacy in his book You and Your Marriage:

Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and its high purpose. (Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 73, 76).

Dr. Brotherson reports two significant parts of what many people learn;

·       the ignorance and hype of misguided and misinformed sensual images and expressions which “distort” or “sensationalize sexual intimacy,”

·       and the inhibitions imposed by “powerful and compelling warnings … seek[ing] to steer us away from pornography, sexual exploitation, and immorality in sexual matters” (2003).

He also outlines a “seldom heard or discussed" third part,
 the positive purposes of intimacy, as

• the dialogue about the sanctity, power and emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife.” 

If this third element is overlooked, “we may come to believe that the only kind of discussion about sexuality that is warranted is the dialogue about [temptations and taboos]” (2003).

Ezra Taft Benson, as President of the Quorum of the Twelve (1973-1985) taught: “Today, with the abundance of [information] available … Feed only on the best. As John Wesley’s mother counseled him: ‘Avoid whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, takes off your relish for spiritual things, … [or] increases the authority of the body over the mind’” (“In His Steps,” in 1979 Devotional Speeches of the Year [1980], 61). (Lesson 23, SS manual).

As a young man, engaged to be married, answers for many of Brotherson’s own questions were determined in part by talking with his mother and aunt. After some private reading[i] about intimacy in marriage he “asked what that experience was really supposed to be like. [His] mother laughed and said that sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love. [He] still think[s] that's about the best answer [he has] ever heard on that question” (2003).
  

ASK AND ANSWER

My father taught that physical intimacy between a man and woman is sacred, not secret, and should always be a very personal demonstration of affection as each give of themselves in ways learned and shared only between them, within the permanence of marriage. He taught that genuine intimacy involves every aspect of a person; the spiritual and emotional as well as the physical; the joining of two minds, and two hearts, not just two bodies.

Dr. Brotherson affirms this sacred unity by quoting the teachings of President Harold B. Lee, eleventh president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1972 -1973):

The divine impulse within every true man and woman that impels companionship with the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy impulse for a holy purpose, not to be satisfied as a mere biological urge or as a lust of the flesh in promiscuous associations, but to be reserved as an expression of true love in holy wedlock. (Teachings of Presidents of the Church, 2000, p. 112; emphasis added)

“A Parent’s Guide,” one of my favorite Latter-day Saint resource manuals, assists parents to answer searching questions about intimacy in sensitive and appropriate ways. It reminds us:

 Both husbands and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual need associated with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion.

Couples will discover differences in the needs or desires each partner has for the relationship, but when each strives to satisfy the needs of the other these differences need not present a serious problem. Remember, this intimate relationship between husband and wife was established to bring joy to them. An effort to reach this righteous objective will enable married couples to use their complementary natures to bring joy to this union (chapter 6).

My parents were open and frank. I knew I could ask them anything I was curious or concerned about, and they would answer my questions. The human body, with all its functions was not a forbidden topic.

I have eyes and ears, fingers and toes, and many other body parts. Some are visible and others are sacred and private. It is important to care for and know about the proper use and purpose of all parts of my body.

TEACHINGS of PROPHETS

Spencer W. Kimball, twelfth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1973-1985), taught:

The union of the sexes, husband and wife (and only husband and wife), was for the principal purpose of bringing children into the world. Sexual experiences were never intended by the Lord to be a mere plaything or merely to satisfy passions and lusts. We know of no directive from the Lord that proper sexual experience between husbands and wives need be limited totally to the procreation of children, but we find much evidence from Adam until now that no provision was ever made by the Lord for indiscriminate sex (1975).

We urge, with Peter, ‘…Abstain from fleshy lusts, which war against the soul.’ (1 Pet. 2 :11) No indecent exposure or pornography or other aberrations to defile the mind and spirit. No fondling of bodies, one’s own or that of others, and no sex between persons except in proper marriage relationships. This is positively prohibited by our creator in all places, at all times, and we reaffirm it. Even in marriage there can be some excesses and distortions. No amount of rationalization to the contrary can satisfy a disappointed Father in heaven (1974).

Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love (1982).

To me, the creation of another human being—part of each spouse united in a child—is the ultimate expression of the wholeness and permanence of marriage and sexual intimacy.

IDEALS

Although marriage and family relationships in this world may be imperfect, there is an ideal; God is an omnipotent father, and we are His children—children of a Heavenly Father and Mother—a perfect pattern.

Howard W Hunter, fourteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1994-1955), taught:

“Tenderness and respect–never selfishness–must be the guiding principles in
the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord” (1994). 

God provides commandments, and promises that we can learn to live in love and happiness.

Do we always succeed?
No! We’re  practicing.
We often feel far from our ideal.

When we married, my husband placed his hands on my shoulders and held me at arm’s length as if to memorize every feature of my face.
I laughed.

This is his favorite picture. 

Myself, I like the photo of us side by side, ready to walk forward together, focused on covenants to consecrate ourselves to each other, and only each other. Covenants and promises made  in a house of God—a temple, with Heavenly Father, to build an eternal family—an ideal family.

Together, both perspectives contribute strength to our marriage; remembering, and moving forward ... holding tightly to covenants.

Can marriages and families become ideal? 

Yes—and it may take time.

“With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible” (Mathew 19:26). 

“If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth” (Mark 9:23).

REFERENCES

Barlow, B. A. "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on intimacy in marriage,": Thoughts on intimacy in marriage", Ensign, Sept 1986, 49.

Brotherson, S.E. (2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.

President Howard W. Hunter, Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51

Spencer W. Kimball, Ensign, May 1974, 7.

President Spencer W. Kimball, “The Lord’s Plan for Men and Women,” Ensign, Oct. 1975, 4).

President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311

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[i] Dr. Brotherson provides a reading list of “[q]uality resources on sexual fulfillment in marriage that most Latter-day Saints could comfortably read …. [T]here are some excellent sources of information that provide a sound starting point. These are well-written, practical guides on sexual intimacy for couples by a well-recognized sex therapist and his spouse.”

Brotherson states, “I should note that these are not the only books on this topic, but from my perspective they will be comfortable and informative reading for any Latter-day Saint who wishes to pursue more understanding in this area. Additionally, many other books in the LDS marketplace that deal with marriage have one or more chapters dealing with the topic of sexual fulfillment in practical and insightful ways.”

Six sources are listed here as a point of further reference:

1 - The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. Excellent, Christian-based book on sexual love in marriage, frank and wholesome. Great for engaged or newlywed couples, as well as couples at any other stage of marriage.

2 - Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley. Solid and interesting perspective on marital intimacy from a Latter-day Saint gospel perspective. Very good resource.

3 - Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. Book by a Christian MD and therapist with his wife, very insightful and well-done.

4 - The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. Well-known therapist and marriage educator has written an engaging and positive book about dealing with sexual challenges in marriage. Brand new, a great read.

5 - Purity and Passion by Wendy Watson, a BYU professor and marital therapist whose book on intimacy is grounded in gospel understanding and purpose. Nice resource.

6 - Couple Sexual Awareness or Sexual Awareness: Couple Sexuality for the Twenty-first Century or Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages, all by Barry and Emily McCarthy.

APPRECIATIVE PRAISE

“Marriage teaches you

• loyalty, 
• forbearance, 
• self-restraint,
• meekness,
• and a great many other things you wouldn’t need if you had stayed single,” jokingly quotes Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Professor of Family Life for the University of Arkansas,
  in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage
  (2007, p.129, bullets mine).

“The truth is different,” Goddard teaches. “We need those qualities whether married or single ….”

My spouse, David, and I both love cantaloupe.

If one of us slices and peels it, cuts it into bite-sized chunks, and places it in the frig ‘ready-to-eat,’ we both enjoy it.

It is quickly consumed.

If not, sometimes the fruit spoils before it is eaten.

Recently, while pressed for time, I sliced off the end and ate it, but did not prepare the remaining fruit, except to remove the seeds and the pulp surrounding them. My husband, seeking a quick snack, opened the refrigerator and complained that it wasn’t prepared.

I reminded him it was seeded, and teasing him mildly, 

suggested he thank me for seeding it.

He did.

Dr. John M Gottman,  professor of psychology, bestselling author, and founder of the Gottman Institute, calls my husband’s kind response, and subsequent actions, a ‘repair attempt.’

“I feel lazy today,” David said. “I don’t feel like cutting a whole slice.”
But then he cut a slice, and ate it. I felt like he gave me a small gift.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman asserts that successful repair attempts are one of the “primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish” (p. 27) and one of the most “important findings” from the “Love Lab,” in Seattle.

When we look for good, or accept influence from others, we are “open to considering [their] position” (p. 184-185). 

In other words we show charity toward them.

REJOICE IN WHAT’S RIGHT

If we have “trained [our] mind to see what is wrong, what is missing,” we fail to notice or “appreciate what is there,” and it is virtually impossible to “rejoice in what’s right with [our spouse]  or [our] marriage” (Gottman, p.283).

Dr. Gottman spells out that this “reflects what goes wrong
85 percent of the time in marriages. … You are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner …
and overlook the fine qualities that are there—those we take for granted.

The bowl of cantaloupe in my refrigerator provides a simple example.

Later that day, I peeled and cubed the melon.

Dr. Goddard quotes Elder Marvin J. Ashton, a Latter-day Saint apostle of Jesus Christ, as he describes how to best effect charity:

Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.

Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down (p.110).

Elder Ashton continued

Charity … [is] resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped.

Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone [including self] who has hurt us.

Charity is expecting the best of each other (April, 1992).

“Irritation can be our friend,” teaches Dr. Goddard. “It alerts us to the risk … that something we are doing (or feeling, or saying) is creating a sore” similar to having a pebble in our shoes (p.75).

It alerts us that change (and perhaps repentance) is needed.

 Dr. Goddard emphasizes,
  “We cannot fix our partners,”
  “We cannot even fix ourselves!
  "But we can make ourselves humble” (p.143).
  “We must have divine help” (p.142).

GRIDLOCK

When relationships have the same battles “again and again,” and nothing seems to have changed; when “neither of you” seem to have “humor, empathy, or affection” as you discuss touchy topics; when you draw ever further apart as you become “increasingly polarized;” and when “compromise” feels like your “core …beliefs, values, or sense of self” are critically threatened; then gridlock, a symptom of issues which are unlikely to be resolved, may be occurring (Gottman, p.237).

Gridlock results when “certain types of negativity … run rampant” (Gottman, p.32). 

4 SPECIFIC NEGATIVITY TYPES

Complaints, defined as concerns about “a specific behavior or event” become (or are interpreted as) criticism—a more global critical evaluation of overall “character or personality” (p.33). Complaints are “specific requests for change,” but “there is no such thing as constructive criticism. All criticism is painful” (p.282).

Chronic criticism generally has “two sources … an emotionally unresponsive partner, [and] self-doubt,” the persistent inadequacy which plagues people “from within” (p.282).

“Sarcasm … cynicism …name-calling, eye rolling, mockery, and hostile humor” are manifestations of contempt (p.34). It rears its insolent attitude of “superiority over one’s partner” next, to not only prohibit diverse viewpoints, but to also categorize disparities as “moral deficienc[ies]” (p.35).

As unpleasant interactions intensify, “defensiveness in all its guises … escalates the conflict.”

Its finger-pointing shifts blame away from self and any personal responsibility to “back down or apologize” (p.37, 164).

“Stonewalling … acting like an impassive stone wall … arrives later,” as partners turn away from one another, and begin to not only avoid conflict, but also each other (p.38).

Am I turning toward my spouse? 

Or am I turning away from, or even against, him or her?

ANTIDOTES

Real antidotes to toxic behaviors exist.

Quoting psychologist Daniel B. Wile’s book After the Honeymoon, Gottman indicates “When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with” for the duration of your relationship (p.139).

Research by Gottman indicates that a 69% “majority of marital conflicts” are perpetual, but happy couples have learned to “live with [marital conflict] and approach it with good humor”

 (2015, p. 137-139).

President Ezra Taft Benson, thirteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1985-1994), taught:

"You do change human nature, your own human nature,
   if you surrender it to Christ. 

"Human nature can be changed here and now. 

"Human nature has been changed in the past …. 

"And only Christ can change it" (As quoted by Goddard, p.128).

All can be healed through Christ. 
He can heal the sick, and even raise the dead (John 11:1-2,5,11,14,43)
The Raising of Lazarus, by Carl Bloch

We have been married 35 years.

Gridlock has not been foreign to us.

At one critical juncture (when I was hurt and angry), our Bishop counseled me to look for something to thank my spouse for, every day for one month. I agreed.

I began, grudgingly, but I kept that promise.

Each day I added one or more items to a list I kept to prove that I was keeping my promise. When I again visited with the Bishop, I asked if he wanted the list, half-hidden in my hand by folding it neatly into a small square.

The Bishop, in turn, asked if I needed to give it to him.
I didn’t. I was changed.

Gratitude to my husband did not initially change him;
it altered my thoughts and feelings.

I was surprised.

I decided to apply the exercise to myself.

What was I doing well?

GRATITUDE

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard suggests that appreciating “little habits and eccentricities” aids us to understand and accept our spouse [or others] “as a total package” (p. 106).

Dr. John M. Gottman extends the same concept to forgiving ourselves. He teaches, “The best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all your flaws” (p.283).

Thomas S. Monson, modern prophet of God and president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, asked all listening to his April 2017 General Conference address to “examine our lives and determine to follow the Savior’s example by being kind, loving, and charitable.”

One of the kindest, most loving, and charitable accomplishments in all relationships is appreciation—simply saying ‘thank you.’

“If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues,” avowed President Monson, in his October 2010 General Conference address titled, “The Divine Gift of Gratitude.”

President Monson encouraged all, “We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude” (October 2010).

  REFERENCES

Elder Marvin J. Ashton, "The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword," April 1992, retrieved 20 June 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/the-tongue-can-be-a-sharp-sword?lang=eng

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Gottman, J. M., and Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

President Thomas S. Monson, “The Divine Gift of Gratitude.” October 2010, retrieved 20 June 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-divine-gift-of-gratitude?lang=eng

President Thomas S. Monson, “Kindness, Charity, and Love.” April 2017, retrieved 20 June 2017 from  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/kindness-charity-and-love?lang=eng

INVENTORY INITIATIVES (LIVING IN LOVE)

“Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God” (D&C 109:8).

Each spring my storeroom is almost empty.

SPRING INVENTORIES  

The cycle of harvest is about to again fill the freezer and the empty jars lining storeroom shelves. It's a continuing cycle of living and loving.

As fruits and vegetables from the garden or nearby markets become available what do I need to do?

Washington cherries mature soon, followed almost immediately by apricots, and then peaches, plums, pears, and apples. How many jars or packages of each should I prepare and store?

How can I know?

It is time for inventory.

As the months march along, bottles and shelves are depleted
unless constantly refilled.

What resources are available and which are depleted?

First I need to clean, wash and dust; sort and organize; and if necessary dispose of outdated products.

Invariably, it seems, a dated jar has been lost in a corner or accidentally mixed with newer goods.

Yesterday, I found two jars - of what? 

These jars are dark in color with a somewhat reddish-purple cast, and labeled July 2012. Labels can help. I should have also identified contents! In July I am usually canning cherries but these are a puree and a juice of some type. I am sincerely puzzled. Whatever they are, they are seriously out of date, of little or no value, and best dumped into the compost. 

I also found 2 dated cans of fruit cocktail! WHAT?

How did those get out of rotation?

We didn't like this brand.
Some of the fruit seemed woody,
and other parts quite tasteless.
Lesson: Try different things! 

ESSENTIALS

Inventories can also help us understand our relationship “storehouse;” what has been, what now is, and what focus is needed for the future.

My spring storeroom inventory may focus on family home production and storage, but relationships need balance in all aspects of well-being: family finances and education, health and employment, and especially spiritual strength (see “Catching the Vision of Self Reliance,” lds.org).

Imagine the storehouse of your marriage, or other vital relationships.

What is essential?

Water is essential emergency storage.

PLENTY OF PRAISE

Patterns of daily diligence, kind consideration, and appreciative praise—when repeated persistently—repair, refill, replenish, and restore essential resources.

“Those who consecrate themselves to their marriage by bringing their whole souls …to the everyday events of a relationship are building a storehouse of sweet memories. They are building an eternal relationship …” teaches Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Professor of Family Life for the University of Arkansas, in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (2007, p.104).

 “[H]appy marriage partners throw open the doors of the storehouse and give kindness, help, and goodness” (Goddard, p. 102).

When my husband observes that dirtied diapers make me gag, and offers to take over—all the time—because it doesn’t really bother him, he is replenishing our relationship. I am so grateful! I wonder what I can do to help him that would ever equal such a gift.

Goddard pointedly asks, “Have you … given your whole heart to your spouse? What can you do to make a more complete offering? … Are you willing to invest your whole soul in the hope [of] … eternal joy?” (p.106).

He teaches there is a better way than “the inevitable score-keeping” accompanying attempts to equalize shared responsibilities.

Seeking equity encourages people to think about and value their own contributions, [and] … under-notice and under-appreciate the efforts of others.

…

      We can gladly offer our best efforts.

      We appreciate all that our partners offer.

…

      We give gladly and we receive graciously” (p.102).


ROTTEN

Sometimes a nasty smell emanates from a store room. The offending item (or items) must be carefully investigated, and disposed of properly.

Have you ever smelled a rotten potato?   You’d rather not!

Sometimes a jar may ferment or spoil.

It is dangerous. Its contents can kill.

(See Identifying and Handling Spoiled Canned Food).

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (2015), New York Times bestselling author Dr. John M. Gottman proposes there may be destructive habits or practices in relationships that cause stress, trigger damaging interactions, or scar emotions (p.157).

Thorough inventories, although at times uncomfortable when feelings or customs are involved, may  reveal what is outdated, or perhaps ‘rotten,’ and help to determine ‘cleanup’ procedures.

In previous generations physical punishments such as spanking were common. While raising our family, a Marriage and Family Relations course was offered in our local ward (congregation in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).

It helped us inventory our relationship habits and expectations.

CLEAN-UP

Our older children experienced some of the poisons of compulsion, but we decided spanking is an outdated toxic practice. Our younger children escaped the coercions of corporal punishments. We learned better options. Nevertheless, fallout from the past remained.

Even when relationships move past problems, Dr. Gottman teaches, “emotional injuries” may be causing “residual damage.”

If these are not “addressed” they “become constant irritants—like a stone in your shoe” (p. 157).

“The past is never dead. In fact, it’s not even past,” quotes Gottman from William Faulkner’s Requiem for a Nun (p.187). “Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better” (Gottman, p.157).

Every store room is different, as is every relationship.

Gottman reminds marriage partners that “some difficulties are inevitable,” but just as we can avoid aggravating physical ailments such as a “trick knee, bad back, irritable bowel, or tennis elbow” we likewise can foster “strategies and routines” that alleviate relationship difficulties (p.139).

PACKAGE DEALS

Dr. Goddard emphasizes that different opinions and viewpoints are not “wrong or bad, they are just different from our [own] experience and preference,” and although such differences may cause frustrations or become irksome, it is possible for the “more spiritually mature” to accept their spouse [or others] “as a total package” (p. 106)

Issues are more about how things are handled than any specific action, lack of action, or circumstance. Gottman explains, “No one is right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective ones.… Acceptance is crucial” (p. 157).

Saying “I’m sorry,” is a courageous start. One day, my husband took a public stand on Facebook against corporal punishment, and we apologized to our children, publicly and privately.

When another “person understands, respects, and accepts” someone “for who they are” with all their feelings, including those that are not positive, they facilitate freedom to change, forgive, and return compassion with “fondness, and admiration” (pp. 157-158).

It is also possible to learn to “mellow about …faults,” and “although … every emotion in the spectrum [is communicated], including anger and irritability, disappointment, and hurt … [a] ‘warts and all’ underlying regard and acceptance is also conveyed" (pp. 158-159).

LOOK AHEAD

Elder Boyd K. Packer, a Latter-day Saint apostle, directs attention to an often overlooked Book of Mormon declaration that we “are instructed sufficiently that [we] know good from evil” (2 Nephi 2:5). Packer instructs:

It is critically important that you understand that you already know right from wrong, that you’re innately, inherently, and intuitively good.

When you say, ‘I can’t!
I can’t solve my problems!’

I want to thunder out, ‘Don’t you realize who you are? Haven’t you learned yet that you are a son or a daughter of Almighty God? Do you know that there are powerful resources inherited from Him that you can call upon to give you steadiness and courage and great power?’…

When you have a problem, work it out in your own mind first. Ponder on it and analyze it and meditate on it. Pray about it. I’ve come to learn that major decisions can’t be forced. You must look ahead and have vision … (See Proverbs 29:18).

Ponder on things a little each day, and don’t always be in the crisis of making major decisions on the spur of the moment. If you’re looking ahead in life, you can see major problems coming down the road toward you from some considerable distance. By the time you meet one another, you are able at the very beginning to take charge of that conversation.

Once in a while a major decision will jump out at you from the side of the road and startle the wits out of you, but not very often. If you’ve already decided that you’re going to do what is right and let all of the consequences follow, even those encounters won’t hurt you.

I have learned that the best time to wrestle with major problems is early in the morning. Your mind is fresh and alert. The blackboard of your mind has been erased by a good night’s rest. The accumulated distractions of the day are not in your way. Your body has been rested also. That’s the time to think something through very carefully and to receive personal revelation (1975/1978).

REFILL, REPAIR, REPLENISH

In contrast to the early morning peace described by Elder Packer, during the chaos of evening meal preparations, with multiple meetings and activities looming, if I pause (while working at the kitchen stove, naturally) to pray for patience when I notice my spouse or child hovering about or in the way, hoping for unidentifiable attentions, then I invite them to stir a bubbling pot, chop vegetables, lick a beater, or sit close enough that we can chat.

Listening, making meals, keeping a tidy home, and doing laundry or dishes may seem mundane, yet all store a harvest for future enjoyment.

A full storeroom after the harvest: photo by Mandy Court

Goddard probes, “Do we bring our greatest generosity and richest forgiving to our marriages?” (p.102). Do we “invite” (p.101), or demand? “No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs” (p.100), but “[w]e can follow Christ’s example and act to serve and redeem our partners” because “[w]hen we have the mind of Christ, there is no one we cannot fully love nor gladly serve” (Goddard, p. 101, quoting James Farrell’s The Peacegiver).

Goddard reminds us that marriage is “an ideal [place] to practice the law of consecration, giving “everything we have and are” and then asking “God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more” (p.102). 


References:

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Gottman, J. M., and Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Boyd K Packer 1975 https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/boyd-k-packer_self-reliance/

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1978/04/solving-emotional-problems-in-the-lords-own-way?lang=eng