BOTTLED

  • “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. Dr. Suess
Showing posts sorted by date for query 20/20. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query 20/20. Sort by relevance Show all posts

Saturday, July 11, 2026

KEEP HAVING FUN

WELL! Repairs and renovations can be stressful BUT also a bit amusing!

Improvisation and creativity are the game! We usually occupy office space in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building (JSMB) but will soon be working in the North Office Building (NOB) for 2 weeks. 

The JSMB needs some serious repairs to the electrical and plumbing systems. All systems were OFF beginning the week after the 4th of July. Full time missionaries were moved to the NOB Thursday, 2nd July. What an adventure! 

traffic at State St. (Hwy89) and North Temple St.

We now cross one of the busiest intersections in downtown Salt Lake as we walk uphill to work and downhill to our apartment. That means waits of several minutes at crossings both ways, for trucks, bikes, cars, and buses - are all delayed by crowds of pedestrians. 

Yes, there are stairs, but I’d rather walk up or down the hill than deal with 47 steps. 

down hill from NOB driveway to busy intersection

We love being able to walk most places we need to go (except church – we are assigned to attend a Spanish speaking Ward that is about 20 minutes south. And walking some ups and/or downs make little difference.

Tuesday, 30 June the random construction workers that had been meandering along our hallways and threading through our 3rd story office spaces all month suddenly became a seriously, coherently noisy crew.

They hammered, drilled, and sawed to remove the lower half of some large windows, replaced that with vented plywood, and after hauling in large black tube and tub looking bits of this, that, and other things, they initially walked away leaving gaping, gigantic holes showing circles of blue sky pouring in fresh air – seriously! We began joking about the new ventilation system! 

And one missionary joked the we now were working in a 'holey' building!

Elder Ames strolling along past the window noticed a noisy field trip of mid-teens passing across campus and, when some looked upward, couldn’t resist sticking his hand out and waving – much to their giggling delight. Someone suggested we should take turns sticking our heads out the holes if only someone below might take our photos. Elder Ames volunteered BUT it was time for lunch and we all decided to save such silliness for after we ate (the cafeteria has deadlines).

And did I mention that our main cafeteria is also closed 6 weeks for renovations?! The elevators to the restaurant at the 26th floor feel like riding a hay wagon enough that I feel nauseous, so we often pack a lunch or walk home most days instead. We find we like our simple, plain food better than the menus available - plus table seating there in all areas is somewhat limited.

We returned to work on on June 30th to see construction workers had returned and been busy while we were gone. Sigh! Such disappointment! They put together those black pieces of this, that, and other things to make – WHAT? What are those things? What are they doing? I told the sister nearest the holes that it appeared a giant alien was now lounging along the partition between her desk and the hall walk space.

We worked the remainder of the week with the crews preparing for closure. We learned they were constructing and installing A/C systems. It was ventilation – since all power and water will be off these AC units will be powered independently so that despite triple digit temperatures the repair crews can continue their work. An all time high temperature of 109 F was recorded that week. 

exterior with one of the 'lounging aliens' trouser legs

A snapshot of the exterior shows many windows in various stages of the process.

We had missed our chance to be truly silly but have no fear. That did not stop a creative missionary from taking snapshots of us and telling AI to stick our heads through the holes. We have quite a bit of fun among the missionaries in our zone, even while actually doing some data transfer.

Later I heard someone at the other side of the building claim they had stuck a head out of a hole!

Our main work stations have 2 monitors and Elder Ames and I have stand up desks. We can stand or we can lower them when we want or need to sit. However, our equipment was not moved to the NOB with us full time missionaries. Service missionaries are working from home or having a 2-week break, and a few shortened their missions a couple weeks and went home. The rest of us are working during this change using laptops and one monitor. 

Hallways at the NOB are fairly narrow and some areas feel almost like a storeroom.

AC there is quite cold so some missionaries wear winter coats or sweaters. And we all adapt as best each of us is able. 

I stand the majority of each day because many chairs press awkwardly on my right thigh and cause pain that can be avoided be simply standing. So, using our wagon, Elder Ames brought my stand-up desk from home.

3 work station adaptations
He also noticed a stack of empty binders along one hallway, and realized they could be used to increase his productivity by elevating his laptop, and perching his monitor on a small inexpensive stool we keep in our apartment for visiting grandkids. 

Some of the other missionaries created similar setups, and a few brought in their own versions of possible arrangements. One even bought an extra monitor with stands for her work. 

My father often told us, “If it’s not fun don’t do it – and if you’ve gotta do it, make it fun.” 

Some suggest our work is a bit tedious. We find it exciting to download, compare, standardize, collate and help publish the data necessary for you (and everyone else) to build and extend your family trees. And many times it seems there are angels guiding our work. 

We see and feel miracles every day – YES! EVERY DAY!

Keep having fun!





Tuesday, March 10, 2026

USLCHM ORIENTATION WEEK LOG

USLCHMission 10

FRIDAY February 27th

Short version: This was a lllloonnggggg week! 

Thursday we learned we should be moved out of our room in the Mission Training Center (MTC) by 8 a.m. the next morning, Friday. However, classes were scheduled until 3 p.m. We packed all but a single change and loaded the car Thursday evening.

We asked, and were told to do only the morning class list, eat lunch one last time there, and keep appointments and schedules at Salt Lake City, Headquarters mission.

We arrived in the mission area for a brief introductory interview appointment with the Mission Presidency at 2:40 pm in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building (JSMB). A group of approximately 20 other new senior missionaries met together for a first orientation and introductions before meeting assigned ministering missionaries. Most of our classes and training happen there.

I sneezed violently, a lot, in the main classroom so was delighted to walk the block to the cafeteria and another to a different class, and here, there, and elsewhere for the rest of the day. We will seldom need to use our car.

Ironically, our ministering couple are Elder and Sister Long - seriously, no kidding! And we don’t know how we would have managed without their kindness.

They provided directions to the Eaglegate Apartments (where 9 or 10 other apartments have missionaries but the majority are not missionaries), and walked the block or so to wait very patiently while we located our car in the massive conference center underground parking and drove around the required 5 or 6 blocks to get to our parking garage entrance (only one block away). There is a lot of construction in this area. 

The Eagle Gate from our apartment balcony

The apartment is along a street with limited access each way, and of course on the same corner as the famed Eagle Gate.
The Eagle viewed from the street corner

During orientation we were given all the housing, parking, and security information and equipment, met the Long’s, and then moved into our mostly furnished 2-bedroom, 2 bath apartment on the 3rd floor. 

Eaglegate apartment on move in day

The Longs and Elder Campbell, (another missionary who happened past the parking place) help unloaded our stuffed car onto luggage carts, and drag everything up to a room in the apartment.

Beehive house renovation

The apartment has a wonderful view of all the construction and renovations across the street on Temple Square.

We took a short nap until a ministering Sister missionary brought over a bag of toffees and chocolates, and a package of toilet paper – all proved to be essential! We didn’t know where anything was and were too tired to really care!

Later we walked a block to City Creek Mall (across from Temple Square), to eat a yummy bowl of chicken noodle soup at Kneaders Bakery and Café, before we crashed for the night.

Good night view of the Salt Lake Temple

SATURDAY February 28th

Our mattress seemed a bit soft, and we requested a firmer one. It is no fun to wake up stiff and sore from sleeping!

We drove to Bountiful and stuffed our car with the things from our trailer that were stored at a son’s home. These included some pre-frozen meals we had prepared in advance, and transported in a cooler. And I almost stopped sneezing!

We managed to unload the car without bothering other missionaries, and attempted to begin to organize basics. Saturday’s will be our Preparation Day (P-day) – a day to chill and take care of errands, shopping, and personal needs.

SUNDAY March 1st

We were not assigned to a congregation yet (a Ward unit to attend) so drove to Bountiful and attended a Fast and Testimony meeting with our son Benjamin and his family. What a delight.

All the missionaries in Eaglegate and Brigham Apartments had a ‘Complete the Fast’ meal together to break the monthly fast in the social room here at Eaglegate. It was nice to not eat a frozen meal again. We haven’t really had time to go shopping yet, but we do get a good lunch (with ‘to go’ leftovers) from the cafeteria at the Church Office Building.

MONDAY March 2nd

Pictures! Group pictures – big groups and small! More pictures, and still more pictures. I do not remember ever before having so many photos taken for so many purposes! We hardly recognized ourselves in the photos - we look so tired! And old!

We walked to classes, and lunch at the cafeteria, by following our herd of new missionaries, but afterwards later in the day couldn’t find our way home again. We were in an underground maze and eventually a security officer walked us home through the dark, rainy night. There ARE places we are not allowed to access in these mazes. What a grand adventure!

We were glad for security’s presence when he needed to report the homeless person pounding on doors and windows along the street.

TUESDAY March 3rd

We walked to the JSMB across campus and by staying outside managed to circumnavigate as needed without getting lost too much or too many times. And we even found the cafeteria again. The food is decent and very inexpensive for missionaries. And yes, that classroom started me sneezing again!

Many essentials are still packed, here and at our son’s home, and some seem to be lost! Where is the cord to Elder Ames electric razor? Shrug! Or his computer? We had to go shopping and buy those so he didn’t show up 2 days in a row with a longer stubble growth. That was about all we got done that evening.

WEDNESDAY March 4th

One of the things we do most, other than sit at a computer, is walk. We try to do it outside whenever possible and are grateful for mild sweater weather.

And we sometimes walk a bit more because we forget things. Apparently we must have a phone at all times to receive ‘push notifications’ that allow us access to places we don’t even know we need to get to. Elder Ames forgot his phone and had to walk home, and back to class. There are many types of security in many places and we have many ways to accomplish access.

THURSDAY March 5th

SNOW! Swirling and whirling and wet and cold! Guess what? We walked a lot in that mess. But at least we knew where to walk to!

We met with Elder and Sister Brown, counselors in the mission presidency, and have been assigned to the Family History Projects Zone. We will begin there in the morning. They introduced us to our Zone leaders Elder and Sister Hope - again, a bit ironic.

The Hope’s showed us new ways to walk through the maze and get lost! But at least it was inside and not out in the blizzarding rain!

And yeesss – we did get some new directions from another security officer. We did not, however, require an escort this time.

FRIDAY March 6th

What a day! We spent the morning becoming oriented to our Zone! What do we do? We may figure that out by next week! 

We also were assigned where and when to attend church: Salt Lake City 12th Ward. That building is located 1.5 blocks south of our apartment building. 

At lunch time we asked what time to return. “Oh,” Elder Hope explained, “Friday afternoons are this Zone’s temple day – we want all missionaries to attend a temple each week.”  

Hooray! We have so missed the mental and spiritual lift of being able to worship in a temple since leaving home. So we drove to Bountiful, the nearest temple, and really relaxed – eventually – because we almost got lost again - inside the temple! It is huge! 

Except for assistance from some very kind temple workers, we would have been too late. I was waiting for Elder Ames standing near the elevator and he was waiting for me seated nearby but just out of my sight! Sigh! But we had a very nice evening, and then stopped by our son’s for another carload of stuff! We do that each time we go to Bountiful.

SATURDAY March 7th

Cleaning, and cleaning, and cleaning a bit more. How many places can an apartment hide smudges, dust, or downright dirt? Too many to clean carefully all in one day. And that was after I had dabbled at a bit of cleaning every week night! Have you ever looked at the bottom of your closet shelf? Metal hangers leave nasty black streaks. We used up a small box of erasing pads here, there, and everywhere! Then we mopped everything with our newly acquired 'O-Cedar' hands-free, rinse-clean, spin mop - these are superb for most floors, walls, and even most ceilings. 

SUNDAY March 8th

Finally, a day of rest - and the first week is complete! 

We skipped a morning devotional in favor of a lllloonnggggg nap!

 




Saturday, January 3, 2026

SENIOR MISSIONARY SERVICE INDEX

USLCHMission 1

Disclaimer: Contents of this blog represent personal opinions and experiences of some members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 

This post is an INDEX of  blog posts during our full time mission in the Utah Salt Lake City Headquarters Mission [USLCHM] (2016 link)

Christmas morning, as we finished opening our stockings (including the one we always hang for Jesus), I noticed a text arrive. 

It said, "Thank you for your desire to serve. You can view your mission call by signing in ... with your Church Account. ..." 

What? On Christmas morning? 

Yes - December 25, 2025 - Christmas morning at 7:03 am!

What a wonderful present! The rest of our presents got ignored until much later - noon in fact. And just after opening that emailed mission call, our oldest daughter and her family phoned for a Zoom video conference. They got to hear the news almost as soon as we did! 

We spent the remainder of the day sharing the news with loved ones! Merry Christmas to all!  

MISSION 2026

    January:

    February:

    March:

    April: 

    May:

    June:
 
    July:

    August:

    September:

    October:

    November:
  • SD USLCHM 23
  • BY USLCHM 24
    December:

  • MS USLCHM 0
  • BY  USLCHM 0

MISSION 2027

 January:

  • COd USLCHM 0
  • KE0? USLCHM 0
  • IN0NS USLCHM 0

    February:

  • ENTS USLCHM 0
  • CHING! USLCHM 0
  • COMDS USLCHM 0
  • STF USLCHM 0

    March:

  • AGN andRIN USLCHM 0
  • ORIEK LG USLCHM 0
  •  BG ETED USLCHM 0
  • CFERE USLCHM 0

    April: 

  • TH BIR USLCHM0
  • TRY USLCHM 0

    May:

  • UTNS USLCHM 0
  • NOTLES USLCHM 0
  • HOO? USLCHM 0
    June:
 
  • IRS USLCHM 0
  • D ES USLCHM 0
    July:

  • KN USLCHM 0
  • ZON USLCHM 0
    August:

  • GLS USLCHM 0
  • B PY USLCHM 0
    September:

  • BYY USLCHM 0
    October:

  • SDS USLCHM 0
  • BRY USLCHM 0
    November:
  • SD USLCHM 0
  • BY USLCHM 0
    December:

  • MS USLCHM 0
  • BY  USLCHM 0
MISSION 2028

    January:
  • COd USLCHM 0
  • KE0? USLCHM 0
  • IN0NS USLCHM 0

    February:

  • CHING! USLCHM 0
  • COMDS USLCHM 0
  • STF USLCHM 0

    March:

  • AGN andRIN USLCHM 0
  • ORIEK LG USLCHM 0
  •  BG ETED USLCHM 0
  • CFERE USLCHM 0

    April: 

  • TH BIR USLCHM0
  • TRY USLCHM 0

    May:

  • UTNS USLCHM 0
  • NOTLES USLCHM 0
  • HOO? USLCHM 0
    June:
 
  • IRS USLCHM 0
  • D ES USLCHM 0
    July:

  • KN USLCHM 0
  • ZON USLCHM 0
    August:

  • GLS USLCHM 0
  • B PY USLCHM 0
    September:

  • BYY USLCHM 0
    October:

  • SDS USLCHM 0
  • BRY USLCHM 0
    November:
  • SD USLCHM 0
  • BY USLCHM 0
    December:

  • MS USLCHM 0
  • BY  USLCHM 0

Saturday, July 8, 2017

POWER: GIVE AND TAKE

D&C 121:41-46“[P]ower or influence can or ought to be maintained… only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge … [and] also be full of charity towards all … [yet] let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; … [so] The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion…”

FAMILY DYNAMICS


Two grandchildren, age 9 and 5, visited over July 4th. I’ll call them Sister Sue and Brother Bob. Sue was baptized and confirmed[i] recently, and is learning many new lessons about following the spirit—using her newly confirmed “Gift of the Holy Ghost.’ Bob has a knack for eliciting a ‘darling-baby’ response in many interactions.

Big-sister Sue, often rushes to ‘save’ little Bob—from everything exciting or traumatic—especially exciting things she wants to do. Bob gets very frustrated at constant interference—after all, he is a ‘big boy.’ Sue know exactly how to (though appearing innocent), frustrate Brother Bob until he cries and complains.

Bob, on the other hand, takes advantage of sympathies to push until Sister Sue lashes out, or plots revenge. He seems adept at creating a climate of ‘poor-me-bullied-by-her.’


Power struggles common to childhood, may linger in some adults as acquired habits which lock them into constant angst and conflict. Attempting to describe lead-up and fallout of such events is lengthy, but they usually occur in microseconds.

I observed such an incident develop and diffuse,
  almost before I realized it was occurring.  

While visiting an Aunt and cousins, Sister Sue was trying very hard to be a ‘model-perfect-good girl.’ As Suzy sat on a stool eating, Bob repeatedly walked past and around, just close enough to bump her, as he ‘innocently’ got drinks and snacks.

PREVENTION


In my experience, the adage “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” discloses great truth.  We’ve tried to teach our children (and now grandchildren) to ‘boss’ themselves, not others. Sister Sue was soon steaming, and plotting. I could see it in her face and ready-to-swing fists should he again came too close. As I began to wonder about how to prevent a blow-out, I saw him coming again—and so did she.

I watched in the helpless fascination of time slowed to freeze-frame-jerks, and saw something unexpected. I saw her flinch as if to strike, but she didn’t. 

I’d overheard loving parents teaching kindness, and listening to promptings. I realized that discussion was influencing her—Bob walked away completely oblivious to what occurred.

WHO'S THE BOSS?

In his 2008 article, “Who Is The Boss?” Richard B. Miller, PhD, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University, taught the power of parents working together to teach true principles. 

Quoting several prominent authorities he reinforced that “setting limits to what a child can do means …you love him and respect him.” When we “in our affection … dare not check [children] in a wayward course, [or] in wrong-doing … for fear of offending them” we do them a disservice. He clarified that parents should “not be afraid to set clear moral standards and guidelines. Be sure to say no when it is needed.”

I called Sister Sue’s name, and motioned her to come for a hug. She did, and cried a little. The effort had been huge. I told her she is an amazing big sister to kindly ignore Bob when he is trying to bug her.

I asked how she felt. “Good,” she replied, reinforcing that she can feel and heed spiritual promptings.

Without knowing it, she felt powerful.

Self-control is one of the greatest powers we can develop. 

Later I made sure to tell her parents (in her hearing), about her inherent goodness and desire to do what is right. Telling others what they do right, and thanking them for it validates their strengths and increases their inner motivation to continue.

Nevertheless, later the same evening, Sue tormented Bob while they brushed teeth at the same time. I failed to realize she was blocking him from the sink, and his mouth was full of toothpaste foam. He was whining without words, and I wondered why he was walking back and forth, back and forth, first on one side and then the other. 


When I caught on, I asked her to make sure he could use the sink, and she appeared to stand to one side, but straddled her feet so he still had difficulty getting to the sink. 

Sheesh!

Rather than making a bigger issue of her efforts to be ‘innocently inconsiderate,’ I complimented his cooperation, and willingness to try to get along by using either side. Seeming to give in (to Sue) by adjusting his own actions, gave Bob greater choices than fighting her.

These dynamics of power can be seen in marriage and family relationships of all types. Dr. Miller’s research reveals that “power is made up of two major components …
  • the process of power, where one [person]… tends to dominate [interactions, or fail to] listen
  •  [and] power outcome, which is determined by which [person] tends to get their way….”
When I complimented Brother Bob's willingness to get along in peace, she put her feet together, both finished their teeth, and we had lots of time to read stories.



If we notice good, others are motivated to align actions and behaviors toward more good. 

In 1998, while serving in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Henry B Eyring taught that God “placed in His children a desire to live at peace with all those around them.”

FALSE POWER: CONTENTION

Eyring reminded listeners that “Satan, [our] enemy … plants the seeds of discord in human hearts” because he knows the plan of happiness for God’s children and “knows that only in eternal life can those sacred, joyful associations of families endure.” 

Satan's intent is to cause misery by damaging family relationships.

When we fail to follow Jesus Christ’s example, we give Satan power 
“to reign over us,” cautioned Ezra Taft Benson [ii] (thirteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; 1985-1994), in his April 1986 Conference address, and again in 1989 

Can we thwart the adversary’s power and make peace?

SEE GOOD, SPEAK WELL

Elder Eyring teaches that peace and unity come as we “see the good in each other and speak well of each other whenever we can.”   He reminds us:

There are some commandments which, when broken, destroy unity. Some have to do with what we say and some with how we react to what others say. … 
[For] unity, there are commandments we must keep concerning how we feel. We must forgive and bear no malice toward those who offend us. The Savior set the example from the cross: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
We do not know the hearts of those who offend us. Nor do we know all the sources of our own anger and hurt. 
The Apostle Paul was telling us how to love in a world of imperfect people, including ourselves, when he said, 'Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil' (1 Cor. 13:4–5).
And then he gave solemn warning against reacting to the fault of others and forgetting our own …” (1 Cor. 13:12).
Elder Eyring explains further that the power of unity and peace come to us through the spirit.

The Holy Ghost is a sanctifier. We can have it as our companion because the Lord restored the Melchizedek Priesthood through the Prophet Joseph Smith. The keys of that priesthood are on the earth today. By its power we can make covenants which allow us to have the Holy Ghost constantly.
Where people have that Spirit with them, we may expect harmony. The Spirit … never generates contention (see 3 Ne. 11:29). It never generates the feelings of distinctions between people which lead to strife (see Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, 13th ed. [1963], 131).
It leads to personal peace and a feeling of union with others. It unifies souls. A unified family, a unified Church, and a world at peace depend on unified souls.
A CHILD CAN

Elder Eyring reminds us that accessing the Holy Ghost as a companion is so simple that “a child can understand what to do.” We make and keep baptismal covenants to remember Jesus Christ and be obedient to God’s commandments, to “always have his Spirit to be with [us]” 
(D&C 20:77).

Sister Sue tells me it’s sometimes hard to hear the spirit, that it is very quiet, and that she is practicing listening still. I am humbled.

I am practicing, too.




REFERENCES

Ballard, M. R. (1997). Counseling with our councils: learning to minister together in the church and in the family. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.


Eyring, Henry B. "That we may be one" Ensign May 1998, 66. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, May 1998. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/that-we-may-be-one.p11?lang=eng 06 July 2017.

Miller, Richard B. “Who is the boss? Power relationships in families.” BYU Conference on Family Life, Brigham Young University, March 28, 2009.



[i] Baptism followed by confirmation as a member of the Church also confers The Gift of the Holy Ghost.

[ii] President Ezra Taft Benson delivered "Cleansing the Inner Vessel" April 1986. And then reiterated and expanded his teachings April 1989 when he requested Gordon B. Hinckley, first counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to read “Beware of Pride” in his behalf.

Friday, June 23, 2017

APPRECIATIVE PRAISE

“Marriage teaches you
  • loyalty, 
  • forbearance, 
  • self-restraint,
  • meekness,
  • and a great many other things you wouldn’t need if you had stayed single,” jokingly quotes Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Professor of Family Life for the University of Arkansas,
    in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage
    (2007, p.129, bullets mine).

“The truth is different,” Goddard teaches. “We need those qualities whether married or single ….”

My spouse, David, and I both love cantaloupe.

If one of us slices and peels it, cuts it into bite-sized chunks, and places it in the frig ‘ready-to-eat,’ we both enjoy it.

It is quickly consumed.
If not, sometimes the fruit spoils before it is eaten.

Recently, while pressed for time, I sliced off the end and ate it, but did not prepare the remaining fruit, except to remove the seeds and the pulp surrounding them. My husband, seeking a quick snack, opened the refrigerator and complained that it wasn’t prepared.

I reminded him it was seeded, and teasing him mildly, 
suggested he thank me for seeding it.

He did.

Dr. John M Gottman,  professor of psychology, bestselling author, and founder of the Gottman Institute, calls my husband’s kind response, and subsequent actions, a ‘repair attempt.’

“I feel lazy today,” David said. “I don’t feel like cutting a whole slice.”
But then he cut a slice, and ate it. I felt like he gave me a small gift.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman asserts that successful repair attempts are one of the “primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish” (p. 27) and one of the most “important findings” from the “Love Lab,” in Seattle.

When we look for good, or accept influence from others, we are “open to considering [their] position” (p. 184-185). 

In other words we show charity toward them.

REJOICE IN WHAT’S RIGHT

If we have “trained [our] mind to see what is wrong, what is missing,” we fail to notice or “appreciate what is there,” and it is virtually impossible to “rejoice in what’s right with [our spouse]  or [our] marriage” (Gottman, p.283).

Dr. Gottman spells out that this “reflects what goes wrong
85 percent of the time in marriages. … You are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner …
and overlook the fine qualities that are there—those we take for granted.

The bowl of cantaloupe in my refrigerator provides a simple example.

Later that day, I peeled and cubed the melon.

Dr. Goddard quotes Elder Marvin J. Ashton, a Latter-day Saint apostle of Jesus Christ, as he describes how to best effect charity:
Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.
Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down (p.110).
Elder Ashton continued
Charity … [is] resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped.
Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone [including self] who has hurt us.
Charity is expecting the best of each other (April, 1992).
“Irritation can be our friend,” teaches Dr. Goddard. “It alerts us to the risk … that something we are doing (or feeling, or saying) is creating a sore” similar to having a pebble in our shoes (p.75).

It alerts us that change (and perhaps repentance) is needed.


 Dr. Goddard emphasizes,
  “We cannot fix our partners,”
  “We cannot even fix ourselves!
  "But we can make ourselves humble” (p.143).
  “We must have divine help” (p.142).

GRIDLOCK

When relationships have the same battles “again and again,” and nothing seems to have changed; when “neither of you” seem to have “humor, empathy, or affection” as you discuss touchy topics; when you draw ever further apart as you become “increasingly polarized;” and when “compromise” feels like your “core …beliefs, values, or sense of self” are critically threatened; then gridlock, a symptom of issues which are unlikely to be resolved, may be occurring (Gottman, p.237).



Gridlock results when “certain types of negativity … run rampant” (Gottman, p.32). 

4 SPECIFIC NEGATIVITY TYPES

Complaints, defined as concerns about “a specific behavior or event” become (or are interpreted as) criticism—a more global critical evaluation of overall “character or personality” (p.33). Complaints are “specific requests for change,” but “there is no such thing as constructive criticism. All criticism is painful” (p.282).

Chronic criticism generally has “two sources … an emotionally unresponsive partner, [and] self-doubt,” the persistent inadequacy which plagues people “from within” (p.282).

“Sarcasm … cynicism …name-calling, eye rolling, mockery, and hostile humor” are manifestations of contempt (p.34). It rears its insolent attitude of “superiority over one’s partner” next, to not only prohibit diverse viewpoints, but to also categorize disparities as “moral deficienc[ies]” (p.35).

As unpleasant interactions intensify, “defensiveness in all its guises … escalates the conflict.”

Its finger-pointing shifts blame away from self and any personal responsibility to “back down or apologize” (p.37, 164).


“Stonewalling … acting like an impassive stone wall … arrives later,” as partners turn away from one another, and begin to not only avoid conflict, but also each other (p.38).

Am I turning toward my spouse? 

Or am I turning away from, or even against, him or her?

ANTIDOTES

Real antidotes to toxic behaviors exist.

Quoting psychologist Daniel B. Wile’s book After the Honeymoon, Gottman indicates “When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with” for the duration of your relationship (p.139).

Research by Gottman indicates that a 69% “majority of marital conflicts” are perpetual, but happy couples have learned to “live with [marital conflict] and approach it with good humor”
 (2015, p. 137-139).

President Ezra Taft Benson, thirteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1985-1994), taught:

"You do change human nature, your own human nature,
   if you surrender it to Christ. 

"Human nature can be changed here and now. 

"Human nature has been changed in the past …. 

"And only Christ can change it" (As quoted by Goddard, p.128).

All can be healed through Christ. 
He can heal the sick, and even raise the dead (John 11:1-2,5,11,14,43)
The Raising of Lazarus, by Carl Bloch

We have been married 35 years.
Gridlock has not been foreign to us.

At one critical juncture (when I was hurt and angry), our Bishop counseled me to look for something to thank my spouse for, every day for one month. I agreed.

I began, grudgingly, but I kept that promise.

Each day I added one or more items to a list I kept to prove that I was keeping my promise. When I again visited with the Bishop, I asked if he wanted the list, half-hidden in my hand by folding it neatly into a small square.

The Bishop, in turn, asked if I needed to give it to him.
I didn’t. I was changed.

Gratitude to my husband did not initially change him;
it altered my thoughts and feelings.


I was surprised.
I decided to apply the exercise to myself.
What was I doing well?

GRATITUDE

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard suggests that appreciating “little habits and eccentricities” aids us to understand and accept our spouse [or others] “as a total package” (p. 106).

Dr. John M. Gottman extends the same concept to forgiving ourselves. He teaches, “The best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all your flaws” (p.283).

Thomas S. Monson, modern prophet of God and president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, asked all listening to his April 2017 General Conference address to “examine our lives and determine to follow the Savior’s example by being kind, loving, and charitable.”

One of the kindest, most loving, and charitable accomplishments in all relationships is appreciation—simply saying ‘thank you.’

“If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues,” avowed President Monson, in his October 2010 General Conference address titled, “The Divine Gift of Gratitude.”

President Monson encouraged all, “We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude” (October 2010).



  REFERENCES

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.
Gottman, J. M., and Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

President Thomas S. Monson, “The Divine Gift of Gratitude.” October 2010, retrieved 20 June 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-divine-gift-of-gratitude?lang=eng

President Thomas S. Monson, “Kindness, Charity, and Love.” April 2017, retrieved 20 June 2017 from  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/kindness-charity-and-love?lang=eng